From My Fetlife Profile

tumblr_lsxzitLFzh1qid5wwo1_400This is a repost from my Fetlife profile:

Second, I want to say that I don’t believe one or another approach to relationships is better, right or wrong. Not for me, nor anyone else. There are things that I like very much about monogamy. For example, I really love having undivided attention. It helps build a strong foundation for a nesting relationship. It can do the same for a non-nesting relationship too. Monogamy does this because there’s privacy within the context of the relationship and that privacy gives the relationship plenty of time to “breathe,” to find its language, its humor, its trust. I like the sense of firmness found in all that time devoted to one person. It’s sweet.

I like polyamory as a relationship model too. I like the way that, done with integrity and mindfulness, polyamory can solidify trust in a relationship. Polyamory keeps relationships fun, fresh, and funny. And there’s more people to love–for everyone. True love, breeds more love. Every time. I love that richness. I love the support that I receive from so many people.

Here’s what I don’t like about monogamy. I don’t like that I am relying on a single person to get important needs met. I don’t like the tension and pressure that creates on the relationship. I don’t like that, after a while, I find myself not noticing little things that change because we’ve become too comfortable with one another. I don’t like that at one point or another we both will get just a little bored. Though, the work of any relationship is to engage freshly, over and again. That’s a healthy dynamic to give a relationship.

I don’t like how tiring and distracting it can be to have more than two relationships. There’s not enough time in the day and I don’t like telling my intimate stories over and again. It’s exhausting, but if I don’t devote my time for that the relationship atrophies for lack of depth. As an introvert, finding the balance between intimacy and solitude within the context of polyamory is a really big challenge for me. I hate the potential for drama that can accompany polyamory. I don’t like the fearfulness I often feel in dealing with a metamour who is jealous or angry. For that matter, I don’t like feeling anxious with a new potential metamour–what her intentions or attitudes will be, etc. I don’t like that when there’s turmoil, I am often left feeling less-than or wrong when I’ve acted within my ethics (I still struggle with wanting approval, what can I say?). Those last few bullet points are based on my insecurities. I freely admit that I don’t like these insecurities, and the history that caused them, to get “dialed up” because of additional folks in my emotional milieu. As I said, neither relationship model is all-right or all-wrong for me. Both have matured me. I highly recommend bothstyles to everyone and for every relationship.

Next, I want to define “sex” as playing with erogenous zones in order to deepen intimacy and to get off. Note that means I extend sex beyond rubbing genitals together. Sex also means exchange of body fluids, including saliva. My definitions developed through observation of how I am affected emotionally by sexual contact. There are times when my partner chooses to flirt with the edges of that when he plays with others at events, by biting someone, or because he tries to get an orgasm from knife play. I tend to stay well on the “no sex” side of things, keeping my hands off erogenous zones (unless I get a hot chance for CBT) and not allowing others that freedom with my body either. That is mostly because having sex tends to open my heart all the way. I come to fondness easily as a result. This is not necessarily true for a non-emotional partner (as in casual sex). Even if a casual sex partner feels fondly for me quickly, sex is an ephemeral, intimacy. It’s based on sex alone, and not on a wide variety of experiences which found love more firmly. One likes to have a little emotional stability in loving relationships. It’s more serene.

My nesting partner loves easily with sex too, but his definitions are slightlydifferent than mine; though our definitions are not incompatible. For him, it’s okay to use his hands to give a woman an orgasm, but if he does this very frequently (as in weekly or more often), he’s likely to fall for her. We both know this, and accept each other’s ideals and emotional needs. We have agreements to communicate and we trust each other’s wisdom. We intend to pick people to play with who care about and respect our partner.

My nesting partner and I have both had painful break-ups and painful live-in poly relationships. We gave ourselves a few years of monogamy to enrich our friendship and give ourselves some time to recover emotionally. Over the past year, we’ve been slowly investigating friendships for potential intimacies. That has been lots of fun. We’ve made friendships that we know will last a life time. No progressions toward a romantic or erotic intimacy so far though (as of July 2015). We are quite happy with the resulting friendships nonetheless.

The third thing I wanted to say is that we desire/hope for a person or couple to love mutually. We are more tentative, but are still open to finding poly partnerships independently of each other. The caveat to that last, is any partner we find must be fond of and really like our nesting partner. Fond enough to problem-solve, fond enough to be kind, and to assume goodness and good intentions, even in conflict. If that kind of fondness isn’t there, it’s not going to work for us. We’ve tried polyamory without. It just didn’t work out once conflict arose. The metamours were not willing to assume on the existence of basic goodness and so conflicts kept escalating. This is a bottom line requirement for us.

The fourth thing is we do find that nesting together puts an emphasis on our relationship within the context of everything in life, not just in the context of polyamory. This is only logical. However, this does not preclude a metamour having a priority. Needs do define time. Everyone is important.

My fifth point and last is that we both find we have limitations in terms of time, travel expenses and emotional energy. We aren’t looking for and don’t want for a polyamory banquet. Our lives have room for one or two additional emotional connections, but we can’t offer justice to more than this. Not even if we’d like to. Something important would be neglected and undernourished if we tried.

So here’s the pitch–because there’s got to be a point to this post right? We are very interested in finding a balanced, happy individual or couple to play with. “Playing,” as in not having sex, but “playing” as in kinkyness. We already play together and separately with others at events every month. This desire I’m expressing is to find folks to play with privately. Playing privately gives us time to develop some really sizzling emotional connections. Likely without sex (though we don’t mind watching it, or being watched at this juncture).

When/if the right person or couple comes along for an emotional relationship, we are hopeful and willing to fall into erotic fondness and love. If it feels right, this will lead to sexual intimacies. In a conversation about polyamory might seem obvious to some, but as everyone defines polyamory uniquely, its bears spelling out. We are looking for love and joyful intimacies.

In the meantime, playing with others is sweet and funny. We are having a grand time and we have a poly household to be focused on. We are hosting a nice woman and her very sweet cat. She’s freshly split from her husband, and needed a soft place to land. It’s a lovely way to enjoy the fruits and challenges of polyamory, without the deeper entanglements of it that are involved with erotic and more profound emotional intimacies. So we are enjoying the lifestyle full-time and are mutually happy about it. We have found that this has progressed our eagerness for polyamory, has deepened our trust in one another and sped the healing of old wounds.

We do have some flirtations that are important to us just now. We are seeing what happens, how it feels, and we are talking. I am thrilled that we are taking this adventure together. It’s joyful. So, if you think you’d be a good match for us, please find us at an event or email us. Just know that we take our time. We are not interested in fast friction.

Social Contexts

tumblr_mk7wtrCkOX1rrgft7o1_500For your information: I use Twitter and this blog feeds to it. There’s often fresh content there, which is not shared here, because I occasionally do status updates or reblog. I use Tumblr in a similar way, but there are two blogs there. One only points to places I appear on the net and gives access to my YouTube music playlist for Radiances. The other Tumblr blog mirrors this blog, but also has fresh content, not seen here. This fresh content is generally highly explicit gif files, so the Tumblr feed content is rated X. I have YouTube associated with this blog. My channel has music playlists. Feel free to subscribe. One in particular is of music posted here on Radiances. Google+ offers only another place to feed this blog. There’s almost never any new content, because I’m not crazy about how media is imparted there, but there’s a huge crowd of erotic blogger blogs there, who might enjoy Radiances. At this point, with Facebook demanding that I associate all blogging activities here with my real-time name, I will not be using Facebook for this blog. For the record, I think they are right in keeping to their original rules about real profile users, but I’m still bummed about it. I think they should simply mark the profile as a pseudonym prominently and let anyone use it.

The reason for these social media outlets is to share my writing, but also to read others writing. Blogging used to be all about the rss feeds and email subscriptions. The comments section was heavily used, because people surfed directly to blogs. People don’t read like that anymore. They go to their favored social media and that’s it. If they comment, they do so only at the social media site; maybe never visiting the blog directly at all. Thus these are the primary venues for letting people know about one’s art and finding others of like mind. At the moment, (Feb 2015 when this post was last updated) my blog is really tiny, but growing slowly.

Generally, links leading away from this blog opens a new tab in your browser. There is no spam on WordPress and I really don’t like and won’t use webhooks to push anything on my feed. WordPress tracks the number of visitors, and what pages they viewed. If a visitor followed a link to the blog, WordPress counts how many times that happened from the webpage the link was on. They do not sell this information like Facebook, Twitter and other social media outlets do. Social media outlets report to WordPress on how many people have followed profiles associated with this blog. WordPress also collects the places this blog is linked to and the number of reblogs, shares, pluses, and tweets on specific posts to include in stats on this blog, via track backs, which all websites use, unless their owner excludes them. And that’s it. Again, WordPress does not treat your visits and other displays of interest in this blog in a spammy way.

If  you are concerned about my content appearing on your personal feed, it may interest you to know that my content, in at least some of these outlets, is only linked, which makes Radiances appear g rated in some kinds of feeds. With Twitter, it’s just a link and the post title. Post titles aren’t usually erotic. I prefer that. Google+ will include images from my posts here on your social media feed; as will Tumblr. Keep this in mind if you want to browse while at work.

I generally do not comment on anything of an erotic nature on social media accounts. I may reblog something, but it is nearly always about literature, social justice, affirming quotes or science. If I post or tweet a status it’s rated pg-13. If I wish to make sexy comments, I go directly to a site to do so. Thus Radiances could be work friendly, so long as you don’t open links to this blog while in mixed company. I repeat, Tumblr is never work friendly!

Comments to this blog or my profiles are very welcome. I am not brazen in my return comments any place else on the net. I may be brazen here, but only with folks I’ve connected with a long while, and never in a way that makes Remus feel sad. Private conversations will follow the same vein, but I really will answer anything that doesn’t denigrate my relationship or reveal my identity to an unknown person.

If you share my content, you must credit me. I will credit yours when I know who created it. Most of the artwork posted here comes from google search or another erotic blog, and generally not for months or years after I first collected it.

You are always welcome to contact me via email. My email address is listed in the footer of the blog.

Most people who respond to me on social media are lovely people. But some aren’t. If I decide you aren’t nice, then I will relegate your emails, posts and comments to spam and ban or mute you. Why would I do this? Because life’s too short to deal with irritating, mean people. That said, sometimes before I mute, I may let mean people know what I think. Be fairly warned, if I do comment back to a mean person they will be dressed down utterly and politely. They will not get the last word.

Things that may get you muted/banned include, but are not limited, to:

  • Being racist, sexist, homophobic or other varieties of bigotry;
  • Being insulting;
  • Having your understanding of social/political issues clearly confined to cue cards provided to you by others;
  • Being creepy;
  • Trying to pick a fight with me;
  • Trying to pick me up in an unflattering, obnoxious manner;
  • Stalking (following me in multiple places not included);
  • Extreme, willful stupidity;
  • Just generally being an asshole.

I have only rarely run into anyone who behaves this way. I can count on my fingers the number of times since I started blogging in 2006 (no need for toes). I have learned that if I am completely direct in all my communication, I have no trouble nearly a hundred percent of the time. This last was for those very few exceptions.

Feel free to flirt respectfully. Feel free to ask me any question. Here on Radiance, I encourage conversation. While this is a very personal journal, primarily about a specific relationship, discussions are welcome on nearly any topic. I love to talk literature, science, social justice, ecology, biology, healing, yoga, music…you name it, thus I often share articles I found really fun or informative. Just leave a comment.

If you have content and your content is tasteful and in keeping with my belief systems, I will allow a link to your site to appear in comments. Hell I might put it up in a post without you asking if I grow excited about what you are doing, so please do be social here.

I adore fine erotic art, especially if it’s an unusual composition or is whimsical, but only if the color palettes complement my theme. If I fall in love with your work, even if it doesn’t fit with the elegant presence already found on Radiances, you’ll at least get a link to your work on the web.

If your erotic writing is tasteful, skillfully written and in keeping with the tone and topics already found on Radiances, I welcome guest posts. Any writing genre is welcome. Please submit to poeticradiance at gmail dot com. You must have a WordPress profile to guest post here, so that your work may be given official author credit.

I hope to see you ’round the net. Share the waves…

Dora