Second, I want to say that I don’t believe one or another approach to relationships is better, right or wrong. Not for me, nor anyone else. There are things that I like very much about monogamy. For example, I really love having undivided attention. It helps build a strong foundation for a nesting relationship. It can do the same for a non-nesting relationship too. Monogamy does this because there’s privacy within the context of the relationship and that privacy gives the relationship plenty of time to “breathe,” to find its language, its humor, its trust. I like the sense of firmness found in all that time devoted to one person. It’s sweet.
I like polyamory as a relationship model too. I like the way that, done with integrity and mindfulness, polyamory can solidify trust in a relationship. Polyamory keeps relationships fun, fresh, and funny. And there’s more people to love–for everyone. True love, breeds more love. Every time. I love that richness. I love the support that I receive from so many people.
Here’s what I don’t like about monogamy. I don’t like that I am relying on a single person to get important needs met. I don’t like the tension and pressure that creates on the relationship. I don’t like that, after a while, I find myself not noticing little things that change because we’ve become too comfortable with one another. I don’t like that at one point or another we both will get just a little bored. Though, the work of any relationship is to engage freshly, over and again. That’s a healthy dynamic to give a relationship.
I don’t like how tiring and distracting it can be to have more than two relationships. There’s not enough time in the day and I don’t like telling my intimate stories over and again. It’s exhausting, but if I don’t devote my time for that the relationship atrophies for lack of depth. As an introvert, finding the balance between intimacy and solitude within the context of polyamory is a really big challenge for me. I hate the potential for drama that can accompany polyamory. I don’t like the fearfulness I often feel in dealing with a metamour who is jealous or angry. For that matter, I don’t like feeling anxious with a new potential metamour–what her intentions or attitudes will be, etc. I don’t like that when there’s turmoil, I am often left feeling less-than or wrong when I’ve acted within my ethics (I still struggle with wanting approval, what can I say?). Those last few bullet points are based on my insecurities. I freely admit that I don’t like these insecurities, and the history that caused them, to get “dialed up” because of additional folks in my emotional milieu. As I said, neither relationship model is all-right or all-wrong for me. Both have matured me. I highly recommend bothstyles to everyone and for every relationship.
Next, I want to define “sex” as playing with erogenous zones in order to deepen intimacy and to get off. Note that means I extend sex beyond rubbing genitals together. Sex also means exchange of body fluids, including saliva. My definitions developed through observation of how I am affected emotionally by sexual contact. There are times when my partner chooses to flirt with the edges of that when he plays with others at events, by biting someone, or because he tries to get an orgasm from knife play. I tend to stay well on the “no sex” side of things, keeping my hands off erogenous zones (unless I get a hot chance for CBT) and not allowing others that freedom with my body either. That is mostly because having sex tends to open my heart all the way. I come to fondness easily as a result. This is not necessarily true for a non-emotional partner (as in casual sex). Even if a casual sex partner feels fondly for me quickly, sex is an ephemeral, intimacy. It’s based on sex alone, and not on a wide variety of experiences which found love more firmly. One likes to have a little emotional stability in loving relationships. It’s more serene.
My nesting partner loves easily with sex too, but his definitions are slightlydifferent than mine; though our definitions are not incompatible. For him, it’s okay to use his hands to give a woman an orgasm, but if he does this very frequently (as in weekly or more often), he’s likely to fall for her. We both know this, and accept each other’s ideals and emotional needs. We have agreements to communicate and we trust each other’s wisdom. We intend to pick people to play with who care about and respect our partner.
My nesting partner and I have both had painful break-ups and painful live-in poly relationships. We gave ourselves a few years of monogamy to enrich our friendship and give ourselves some time to recover emotionally. Over the past year, we’ve been slowly investigating friendships for potential intimacies. That has been lots of fun. We’ve made friendships that we know will last a life time. No progressions toward a romantic or erotic intimacy so far though (as of July 2015). We are quite happy with the resulting friendships nonetheless.
The third thing I wanted to say is that we desire/hope for a person or couple to love mutually. We are more tentative, but are still open to finding poly partnerships independently of each other. The caveat to that last, is any partner we find must be fond of and really like our nesting partner. Fond enough to problem-solve, fond enough to be kind, and to assume goodness and good intentions, even in conflict. If that kind of fondness isn’t there, it’s not going to work for us. We’ve tried polyamory without. It just didn’t work out once conflict arose. The metamours were not willing to assume on the existence of basic goodness and so conflicts kept escalating. This is a bottom line requirement for us.
The fourth thing is we do find that nesting together puts an emphasis on our relationship within the context of everything in life, not just in the context of polyamory. This is only logical. However, this does not preclude a metamour having a priority. Needs do define time. Everyone is important.
My fifth point and last is that we both find we have limitations in terms of time, travel expenses and emotional energy. We aren’t looking for and don’t want for a polyamory banquet. Our lives have room for one or two additional emotional connections, but we can’t offer justice to more than this. Not even if we’d like to. Something important would be neglected and undernourished if we tried.
So here’s the pitch–because there’s got to be a point to this post right? We are very interested in finding a balanced, happy individual or couple to play with. “Playing,” as in not having sex, but “playing” as in kinkyness. We already play together and separately with others at events every month. This desire I’m expressing is to find folks to play with privately. Playing privately gives us time to develop some really sizzling emotional connections. Likely without sex (though we don’t mind watching it, or being watched at this juncture).
When/if the right person or couple comes along for an emotional relationship, we are hopeful and willing to fall into erotic fondness and love. If it feels right, this will lead to sexual intimacies. In a conversation about polyamory might seem obvious to some, but as everyone defines polyamory uniquely, its bears spelling out. We are looking for love and joyful intimacies.
In the meantime, playing with others is sweet and funny. We are having a grand time and we have a poly household to be focused on. We are hosting a nice woman and her very sweet cat. She’s freshly split from her husband, and needed a soft place to land. It’s a lovely way to enjoy the fruits and challenges of polyamory, without the deeper entanglements of it that are involved with erotic and more profound emotional intimacies. So we are enjoying the lifestyle full-time and are mutually happy about it. We have found that this has progressed our eagerness for polyamory, has deepened our trust in one another and sped the healing of old wounds.
We do have some flirtations that are important to us just now. We are seeing what happens, how it feels, and we are talking. I am thrilled that we are taking this adventure together. It’s joyful. So, if you think you’d be a good match for us, please find us at an event or email us. Just know that we take our time. We are not interested in fast friction.