That Girly Thang

Writing has happened in my life of late, though not here. This is taking longer for me. Mostly because my sexual desires are suppressed by the hormone therapy I’m forced to take to control my illness. However, that is improving a bit, I am happy to report. My partner isn’t seeing more sex from me, but I am feeling better about myself and I feel desire present in my most days again. That’s pretty sweet. I’m just enjoying that charge being available in my body.

I’ve contemplated relationship as an overall topic in my life. I’ve got good things going on in my life. My partnership with Remus (Note to self: ask him if I can use his first initial or something in future, instead of Remus) is good. It’s not as sexy as we’d both like and we’re not sharing massage nearly enough for our tastes, but our connection remains close and happy. We are laugh a great deal together. As usual. No, my contemplation is about women. I want a relationship with a woman, as well as one with Remus. I know that I’m in my way about that. Totally. Setting aside my energy levels in winter, there’s emotional barriers in me. If I’m to negotiate them or remove them to have an emotional/erotic relationship with a woman I have to examine those barriers. That’s what this note is about, so this isn’t going to be sexy yet, but I’ll get there.

So here’s the thing…

Betrayals tend to cause a person to be fearful of emotionally intimate connections. If a betrayal is also sexual, this will tend to make it even more difficult to be emotionally intimate in a potentially sexual relationship. The thing is, I’ve experienced betrayals from women I should have been able to trust. Some of those betrayals were with women in my family and those betrayals spanned the gamut of emotional, physical, spiritual and sexual abuse and neglect. For instance, I know my grandmother molested my son. He is okay and I kept him safe, but knowing what she did to him, I am certain she did it to me also. For instance, I suspected that my mother had sex with my son’s father when he and I were dating in highschool. Recently my brother inferred that she’d done so in a conversation we had. For instance, some of the women in my life broke my confidences, picked fights with hurtful behavior and then blamed me for it, were intensely jealous and talked behind my back to solicit allies against me or just refused to speak to me any more because I was dating someone they wanted to date, stole from me, traded secrets so they could get dirt on someone else I cared about, got me fired from jobs without reason because they were sabotaging my work, assumed I did or meant something that wasn’t true at all, caused so much chaos in my life that I lost opportunities, just plain lost interest because I didn’t live right beside them any more.

I could likely keep pulling examples from my memories, but you get the picture. Shit happens to people and when we are learning to be good friends, we often get hurt. That doesn’t change with maturity. At the very least, we’ll lose friendship, just through sickness and old age. I don’t feel too wounded to make friends, though I am slow to grow close to them. I do have some difficulty in friendships with letting people get really deep in my heart, but I do it. Mostly successfully.

I have never been able to let a woman be as intimate with me as I’d like emotionally though, nor been able to have sex. I just haven’t been able to let anyone get close enough. Plenty of women have tried, so I know it isn’t because I’m unattractive to women. They like me plenty. When I attend bdsm socials, women flirt, they kiss and caress with me. They act aroused by my presence and appearance and they like my attention for playing. I love that and avidly seek it. It’s felt really good to me. But there’s been no take-home relationship. It’s only what I can share there and that’s it.

I have examined “the why” beyond my stuff. I think some of it is the fear gay women have of having a relationship with a bisexual woman. They assume that a bisexual woman wants her jollies until time for domestic bliss and then she’ll wander off to a man to nest with and she’s left high and dry. Then there’s the stuff that bisexual women have going. Usually I meet bisexual poly women. They trend toward wanting to have couple to couple relationships, not woman to woman or they have man/woman relationships other than their nesting partner. This is not to mention that women tend to be the primary parent, even in the cases of two parent families. The act of giving birth tends to make them the primary caregiver (they have the boobs after all) and that naturally extends on an ongoing basis throughout childhood. Parents have an all-consuming task of caring for children which includes earning money. There’s not lots left over for developing relationships outside their home of any kind, let alone a poly relationship with a woman.

There are also fewer women looking for a woman of my age to make love to and fall in love with. This is not a common lifestyle for women my age. It’s very common with women who are fifteen or twenty years younger than I am, but those young women I’ve met, just aren’t too handy. We haven’t been able to connect. There’s a lovely young woman I keep encouraging to connect outside of our social group, but it’s not happening. There’s another woman near my age I’ve been friends with for years. We’ve talked a great deal and deeply. We know we want to, but we can rarely get any time together and then it’s usually for a birthday or a social, not one to one.

Thus I make an effort. But I am not connecting. I am a believer in the idea that people come along when we’re ready. I think I must not be ready or it would be happening. And I’m realizing that I need to process. I also need to decide how that happens. This is one way I am doing that. I know that Remus reads here when I post. It helps me to let him know what I’m thinking and why, but I rarely confide in him in person. It’s just not my habit to babble about emotions all that much any more. I used to, but that’s not what I do these days. I don’t need to. After all, how many times can you say, today I am happy, today I am wishing I were more well, but I am happy and I’m glad you can share that with me. Or I love you, really alotta. Well that I say every single day or every single time I see someone I love. I just do. It’s important to me to let people know I love them and to express it openly. I didn’t have that as a girl, so I create that in my life with great intention as an adult.

In any case, I feel blessed with knowledge of what’s going on for me. What happens next is my choice. Now I’ve written about it, I’ve got to decide what’s next…

Thanks for listening,

Shannee

From My Fetlife Profile

tumblr_lsxzitLFzh1qid5wwo1_400This is a repost from my Fetlife profile:

Second, I want to say that I don’t believe one or another approach to relationships is better, right or wrong. Not for me, nor anyone else. There are things that I like very much about monogamy. For example, I really love having undivided attention. It helps build a strong foundation for a nesting relationship. It can do the same for a non-nesting relationship too. Monogamy does this because there’s privacy within the context of the relationship and that privacy gives the relationship plenty of time to “breathe,” to find its language, its humor, its trust. I like the sense of firmness found in all that time devoted to one person. It’s sweet.

I like polyamory as a relationship model too. I like the way that, done with integrity and mindfulness, polyamory can solidify trust in a relationship. Polyamory keeps relationships fun, fresh, and funny. And there’s more people to love–for everyone. True love, breeds more love. Every time. I love that richness. I love the support that I receive from so many people.

Here’s what I don’t like about monogamy. I don’t like that I am relying on a single person to get important needs met. I don’t like the tension and pressure that creates on the relationship. I don’t like that, after a while, I find myself not noticing little things that change because we’ve become too comfortable with one another. I don’t like that at one point or another we both will get just a little bored. Though, the work of any relationship is to engage freshly, over and again. That’s a healthy dynamic to give a relationship.

I don’t like how tiring and distracting it can be to have more than two relationships. There’s not enough time in the day and I don’t like telling my intimate stories over and again. It’s exhausting, but if I don’t devote my time for that the relationship atrophies for lack of depth. As an introvert, finding the balance between intimacy and solitude within the context of polyamory is a really big challenge for me. I hate the potential for drama that can accompany polyamory. I don’t like the fearfulness I often feel in dealing with a metamour who is jealous or angry. For that matter, I don’t like feeling anxious with a new potential metamour–what her intentions or attitudes will be, etc. I don’t like that when there’s turmoil, I am often left feeling less-than or wrong when I’ve acted within my ethics (I still struggle with wanting approval, what can I say?). Those last few bullet points are based on my insecurities. I freely admit that I don’t like these insecurities, and the history that caused them, to get “dialed up” because of additional folks in my emotional milieu. As I said, neither relationship model is all-right or all-wrong for me. Both have matured me. I highly recommend bothstyles to everyone and for every relationship.

Next, I want to define “sex” as playing with erogenous zones in order to deepen intimacy and to get off. Note that means I extend sex beyond rubbing genitals together. Sex also means exchange of body fluids, including saliva. My definitions developed through observation of how I am affected emotionally by sexual contact. There are times when my partner chooses to flirt with the edges of that when he plays with others at events, by biting someone, or because he tries to get an orgasm from knife play. I tend to stay well on the “no sex” side of things, keeping my hands off erogenous zones (unless I get a hot chance for CBT) and not allowing others that freedom with my body either. That is mostly because having sex tends to open my heart all the way. I come to fondness easily as a result. This is not necessarily true for a non-emotional partner (as in casual sex). Even if a casual sex partner feels fondly for me quickly, sex is an ephemeral, intimacy. It’s based on sex alone, and not on a wide variety of experiences which found love more firmly. One likes to have a little emotional stability in loving relationships. It’s more serene.

My nesting partner loves easily with sex too, but his definitions are slightlydifferent than mine; though our definitions are not incompatible. For him, it’s okay to use his hands to give a woman an orgasm, but if he does this very frequently (as in weekly or more often), he’s likely to fall for her. We both know this, and accept each other’s ideals and emotional needs. We have agreements to communicate and we trust each other’s wisdom. We intend to pick people to play with who care about and respect our partner.

My nesting partner and I have both had painful break-ups and painful live-in poly relationships. We gave ourselves a few years of monogamy to enrich our friendship and give ourselves some time to recover emotionally. Over the past year, we’ve been slowly investigating friendships for potential intimacies. That has been lots of fun. We’ve made friendships that we know will last a life time. No progressions toward a romantic or erotic intimacy so far though (as of July 2015). We are quite happy with the resulting friendships nonetheless.

The third thing I wanted to say is that we desire/hope for a person or couple to love mutually. We are more tentative, but are still open to finding poly partnerships independently of each other. The caveat to that last, is any partner we find must be fond of and really like our nesting partner. Fond enough to problem-solve, fond enough to be kind, and to assume goodness and good intentions, even in conflict. If that kind of fondness isn’t there, it’s not going to work for us. We’ve tried polyamory without. It just didn’t work out once conflict arose. The metamours were not willing to assume on the existence of basic goodness and so conflicts kept escalating. This is a bottom line requirement for us.

The fourth thing is we do find that nesting together puts an emphasis on our relationship within the context of everything in life, not just in the context of polyamory. This is only logical. However, this does not preclude a metamour having a priority. Needs do define time. Everyone is important.

My fifth point and last is that we both find we have limitations in terms of time, travel expenses and emotional energy. We aren’t looking for and don’t want for a polyamory banquet. Our lives have room for one or two additional emotional connections, but we can’t offer justice to more than this. Not even if we’d like to. Something important would be neglected and undernourished if we tried.

So here’s the pitch–because there’s got to be a point to this post right? We are very interested in finding a balanced, happy individual or couple to play with. “Playing,” as in not having sex, but “playing” as in kinkyness. We already play together and separately with others at events every month. This desire I’m expressing is to find folks to play with privately. Playing privately gives us time to develop some really sizzling emotional connections. Likely without sex (though we don’t mind watching it, or being watched at this juncture).

When/if the right person or couple comes along for an emotional relationship, we are hopeful and willing to fall into erotic fondness and love. If it feels right, this will lead to sexual intimacies. In a conversation about polyamory might seem obvious to some, but as everyone defines polyamory uniquely, its bears spelling out. We are looking for love and joyful intimacies.

In the meantime, playing with others is sweet and funny. We are having a grand time and we have a poly household to be focused on. We are hosting a nice woman and her very sweet cat. She’s freshly split from her husband, and needed a soft place to land. It’s a lovely way to enjoy the fruits and challenges of polyamory, without the deeper entanglements of it that are involved with erotic and more profound emotional intimacies. So we are enjoying the lifestyle full-time and are mutually happy about it. We have found that this has progressed our eagerness for polyamory, has deepened our trust in one another and sped the healing of old wounds.

We do have some flirtations that are important to us just now. We are seeing what happens, how it feels, and we are talking. I am thrilled that we are taking this adventure together. It’s joyful. So, if you think you’d be a good match for us, please find us at an event or email us. Just know that we take our time. We are not interested in fast friction.