Sources of Intimacy

tumblr_mjak0vpTOo1rrgft7o1_500Day three without gluten…

I feel a powerful impulse to write and very little focus to get anything on a page. Its frustrating, but I’m so grateful to feel that creative spiciness.

I had a realization last night that will need some creative writing about: I am usually aloof. I am slow to trust. I knew that part. I also knew that I love ceremony. I love to make love. I love connecting with something alive and conscious in natural environments. What’s new (or at least it’s as new as my glutenous memory will allow me to remember just now) is that I never put together that I am never aloof in those situations/places. I am open-hearted. I am engaged, intimate and I am willing to trust and be vulnerable. I have to work at it more in other settings. So long as I’m not stressed out or feeling insecure about other people there, I enjoy social engagements immensely. It’s nice to be with other people. I don’t necessarily feel fulfilled with the connection though. It is common for me to give more than I receive in other kinds of social situations. My sense of connection comes from really spiritual experiences. It’s where I am willing and able, even skilled at making emotional connections and letting myself fill up.

One the one hand, that’s good. I have some moments and situations that make me feel truly loved.

On the other hand, it’s also a rather short list of situations. People don’t always want to be outside with me. They don’t always want to make love. They don’t always or maybe never want to do ceremony with me. I have learned to get filled up without other people by engaging in some of those things by myself or without my loved ones, but I feel alone with my joy in it. I miss others I love very much then.

Writing is the other way I get to feel vulnerable and emotional. I often delight in it, but I don’t always feel fulfilled by it. Sometimes it leaves me feeling as if I was mentally tarred and feathered and then someone ripped it all off. I feel that way when I’m being judged or emotionally attacked too. I think often of late of Audre Lorde’s quote from Sister Outsider which I shared in a recent post:

As we learn to bear the intimacy of scrutiny and to flourish within it, as we learn to use the products of that scrutiny for power within our living, those fears which rule our lives and form our silences begin to lose their control over us (36).

Audre Lorde speaks here about literary criticism, but I think it applies to all aspects of life, don’t you?

I suppose I noticed all this because I am talking about community and being acknowledged with some other women tomorrow and I’ve been contemplating what I’d like to share. I suppose too it’s because getting gluten leaves me feeling depressed which only exacerbates feeling aloof from others.

I know where this comes from (beyond the gluten reactions and the low winter lighting) and those sources have and will continue to be the subject of more creative writing (because all writers source their own lives for creative juiciness), but I’m focused now on just the shortness of my list of ways I get truly connected and on the specialty of the kinds of interactions I tend to seek. Basically those are situations where other people get emotionally and spiritually naked with me. When I see that, I feel safe and eager to drop my masks and defences too.

Well that’s my mulling today. Took me an hour to write it with many distractions. I hope that tomorrow I am even more clear-headed. I have much on my to do list that’s been neglected.


Good News!

tumblr_mjlx8yzqNA1rz4u3so1_500I will soon be well. Though I bet you didn’t even know I was sick. Well I have been very sick. In fact my immune system all but crashed. I’ve had infections in my breast, systemic infections, none of which would respond to medications and to top all that off, my whole body is having an internal rash which would have risen to the surface within a few more days of getting gluten in my system.

The source of the gluten you ask? Oh it was the Synthroid! That’s right! The company supposedly in the business to help people be well just decided to stop making their drug gluten-free. But did they bother to inform any of their prescribing doctors so that patients could be kept safe? Of course not! So thousands of dollars later, a mammogram, an ultrasound, five appointments with my GP, a date with a surgeon at the Breast Care Center (and counting because I have two more appointments upcoming which I have to keep in case things don’t resolve simply and easily), all that gas and time getting to all these appointments (which wouldn’t have been necessary had I known about the gluten), I self diagnosed. I had a gluten reaction being masked by a daily double dose of Claritin. This is not to mention three months of suffering and pain and an affected learning experience at college because I haven’t felt well enough to learn. And people wonder why I have a great deal of cynicism about the health care system!

But the good news is that I will soon be well. We found another company which does guarantee their thyroid hormone replacement drug gluten-free. I sing huge praises for my pharmacist!!! She helped me figure it out and she was prompt!

I am deeply grateful for my strong body. This could so easily have been a life threatening situation. Way to go body!!!

I am just as grateful for Remus who has reminded me to keep moving, to keep my humor and to take good care of myself when I was too tired to care.

It will take a few weeks before all these symptoms subside, but they will subside and then the infections will simply disappear and I’ll feel well. I would do an hour-long snoopy dance, but I don’t have the energy yet. I’m going back to bed…But with some music. 🙂