Silence

tumblr_m8yjerJ2461r43q0no1_500This passion, I call my writing has been so still in me. I realized today that a vast pool of sadness is gathering about its ongoing silence.

I know what causes the silence. It is all health stuff, but I’m fearful too. I am fearful of what there is in me to express and how it will change my life. I suspect the spaciousness that I’ve kept around my depths will be filled with love and people and responsibilities if I free it, this passion I mean. I feel safe here with the spaciousness. But bored, sleepy and sad.

Thus, here I am. I am taking this step out of the quiet and saying, that joy is here too. I have such a good life in so many ways. Remus and I are creating a better home together. We’ve made many changes here. It feels good to me. I’ve come to feel more at home here.

I’m having a grandchild this summer. I am so excited about that, I can hardly contain myself. I suspect that it’s some of what is pulling me out of this pool of stillness. I am fine with that too.

I got myself a beautiful little bike. It folds and is easy for me to take anywhere.

I’m restarting yoga classes. I’m looking forward to another camping trip to the islands of Lake George this fall. This is all wonderful stuff and not at all unusual. Well the grandchild is, but the other things? Not so much. I have a good life, as I said.

There is another thing that’s occurred to me of late. My life is fairly free of stress and stressful relationships.  My writing has historically thrived on that. Perhaps I simply don’t know how to write without recognizing some need to blather first about something stressful? I don’t know, but I need to.

Yesterday, I excitedly showed Remus a few evil sticks I found on the internet. Nope. I’m not telling you where I found them, because there’s only one set and I want it. LOL! They are five of those whippy little carbon canes, most with things on the ends. I found one with a heart shape, one with an “S,” and two more for playing tic-tac-toe, plus a longer plain one for making a game grid with. I fully intend to use them too. Remus got that sparkle in his domly dude eyes when I showed it to him. Maybe we’ll have to partner up to play a game on someone’s ass…

I am so glad the light is growing and that it is warming up. My cat, Kola and I have spring fever. I’m seriously looking forward to the water warming enough to go kayaking… It’s hard to wait for that. In fact, Remus and I are soon heading over to the nearest Tractor Supply store to get a new trailer for hauling our kayaks and other equipment. He can’t wait either! Ah…the idea of floating on the water with a notepad in hand for some poetry or whatever, a pair of binoculars for seeing the birds, this summer really makes me fucking happy…I have not done so, but I am going to start going out alone in future. I’ve considered it unsafe to be on the water alone, but my heart needs that time with just me and the water, floating in the spirit of my passion.

 

 

What’s a Relationship?

tumblr_mpb4fcPwk01rrgft7o1_500Arousal and erotic excitement are not a tangible, stable intimacy, but an ephemeral one. Ecstatic experience or some vibrant mutual meditation does not constitute a steadfast intimacy either, though each of these things can open the door to a profound intimacy. Only open it.

All relationships should include a variety of influences and moods to fully understand each other. Only time can reveal a person’s nature as it is when she isn’t putting on a show with a new person. You won’t know until a relationship comes under fire, whether it is strong enough to weather it. We should always remember that lasting, steadfast intimacy is built upon the everyday experiences in which we choose to engage mindfully, and share with another person.

Intimacy is built upon the good moods, the dull moods and those we’d like to withdraw from. But only if we choose to engage kindly, with curiosity and tolerance. Intimacy is not built on an orgasm, but on choosing connection again and again, even when its hard. Just let it be said that “hard,” does not equal tolerating abuse. Hard is when there’s a cancer diagnosis, when we grow too old to play or someone makes an error in judgment or has a foible, like squeezing the middle of the toothpaste tube. In a community, this kink community, where pretend cruelty is part of the fun, we must not misplace our clarity about the nature true cruelty and abuse—as opposed to playfulness.

If you study anything about the science of communication, you’ll see that a relationship pivots toward connection or dissolution based solely on mutual understanding that a relationship exists. That understanding must be mutual. No one can fantasize an aspect of it and have a healthy relationship. Good relationships are based on mutual vision for living and similarities that abide well with each other.

Relationship also pivots on communication—effective, vulnerable and honest communication. It isn’t built on an orgasm, or a titillating beating. Those things are the spice and the joy of what’s intrinsically a kink-style relationship, but the key word is “relationship,” not “kink.” Kink will never be the meat of the matter. If you aren’t clear about any of this so far in your relationship, if you aren’t in agreement about all this, the relationship is bound it dissolve. It pays to ask regularly.

It also pays to understand that bonds erode when one person consistently does all the work of connection, or when one person brings only their despair, their drama, their anger to the intimate moments. The two in combination is disastrous. I baffles me that people don’t understand that. Relationships need peaceful, joyful nourishment, focused time and delighted attention to remain healthy.

Kinksters, in their early years in the lifestyle, seem to forget all this. They try to base their relationships on the kink and forget that human relationships are a very separate thing from our activities. Again, the activities, be it boating or beating, are crucial to fun, but ultimately are only the milieu, not the relationship.

These are some words that have been floating around in my mind of late. There is no particular point on a personal level at all, just the sense that the words need “saying” so others can “hear” them. I sometimes respond to such silent impulses, even if I don’t know why the urge to speak comes to me. When I respond to such urges, I often see it touch other people positively. That pleases me.