Instead of Suchness, Roughness

tumblr_mkixxvOeLI1rrgft7o1_500Back on antibiotics. Its rough.

(What’s another word for “very” that doesn’t seem like an extraneous/insipid word for “more?” Note to self: look that up.)

I am tired. Very.

I am waiting to see what blood work says about cancer markers (this indicates the cancer is growing/spreading). No matter how relaxed I choose to be, I feel concerned about those results. They likely won’t be completed and ready to see until tomorrow. Almost a nail biter. But I choose to be relaxed about it. Right?

There’s good news though.

I am grateful to say that doctors have finally taken note of the fact that there’s “something wrong with my immune system.” That’s in the order of “no shit Sherlock!” A lifetime of chronic ____ has taught me that. Pfffft! Depending on the decade we speak of (going on five now), there’s a specific list of chronic infections or allergic reactions which have cast a dark cloud on my life and happiness. To be fair, I have had either military doctors (who are of the “suck it up” frame of mind) or random clinic doctors who are overworked and not paying close attention. They approach medicine like an emergency doc- treat ’em and street ’em -or rather, treat the symptoms and move on to the next. This is not to mention the doctors who didn’t like my insurance and so shuffled me out the door as soon as possible- not long enough to listen obviously. Then there’s the doctors who told me I needed counseling- that its all in my head. I have a very cynical viewpoint of doctors in general as a result; especially about the doctor who treated me to ongoing rounds of antibiotics and diflucan for a year, but never did anything. (raps on a knot-head who should have done something then!) Numb-fuck!

So, they (a whole new set of doctors with better observation and listening skills) have decided there’s something wrong with my immune system. That may sound terrible, but it’s not. The terrible part is knowing this for twenty-five years and having it ignored while I am sick, sick and more sick. The even worse part was having it be so disabling for no good fucking reason, except some people aren’t doing their jobs. No, this conclusion doctors have reached is the very (there’s that word again) good part. Once they made up their minds about this, they immediately wanted me to see another specialist. That additional specialist’s job will be to discover just how my immune system is broken and do something about it. So I’m going to get another doctor whose job it is to fix this problem finally.

I have my initial appointment tomorrow with this specialist. *sigh of relief*

I am so grateful.

I can’t wait to see what happens. I am hopeful…so hopeful. It would be lovely…. marvelous… wonderful (yes I’m thinking the song since its so expressive)… to not feel like this every other year. Or maybe for two or three years running, if I’m particularly unlucky.

I looked up “very.” Its a stupid word. One really should just describe better. However, I am too tired to do so.

I need a nap…

I also need to be doing a shit load of school work. I have to revise 5-7 annotations, which are 2-4 pages each, plus evaluate my semester given certain criteria (another 2 pages) and then write an outline of how I am editing my poems (which I haven’t felt well enough to do yet) and give an example or two of those revised poems (5-7 pgs).

I only have mental energy for mulling which books I consider the most influential to the evolution of my poetry and which of my poem(s) I could effectively revise in the time I have left which will give the best example of applying what I’ve learned.

My mulling mind and I need a nap.

Yes. I have noticed that I am procrastinating. I most certainly noticed that I have only a week to do all this work. I have noticed that I am spinning my wheels.

I need a nap.


Find A Way

tumblr_me2kc4eAYS1r8bs07o1_r1_500The world is hard to take lately, with all the wars, the climate problems, the racial atrocities, the greed, human and civil rights violations, the indifference to it all. I feel overwhelmed. There’s so many things that are wrong with this world, I feel I am losing sight of humanity. I feel powerless to change things. I feel an apathy and a sense of overwhelm about it all.

The most recent horror is watching cops kill a man on video. A man who said he couldn’t breathe and then they didn’t indict the man. What is wrong with the world?! It makes me want to go live somewhere else, but if I watch the news, it seems that the world is filled with a madness…so where would I go? What part/country in the world is peaceful, and sans a corrupt government? Is there any such place? Running away really doesn’t provide any answers, because corruption and violence spreads like a disease across the earth.

How does one deal with these issues? What can we do? That’s a burning question for me the past few weeks. I don’t know. I just don’t know.

I find myself trying to be grateful about little things in my life, to buck up. It’s all I know to do today. I hope that tomorrow I’ll feel less fear and sadness about it all.

Today, I am grateful for my life, for the people I love, about getting my professional website to work. I am glad to see progress with converting two older blogs ready to upload to that professional website. I’m glad it’s a sunny day. The sunshine feels very good. I feel blessed that Remus will be home in just a couple of days. I’ve missed him.

Strength for tomorrow…Let’s turn the wheel of fate on these issues…Let’s do it. Let’s find a way.