Remus and I spend lots of time being affectionate, but not so much time being erotic with one another in recent months. I miss the spicy intensity of those early months when we were so caught up in each other. I love the depth of our emotional intimacy now though. We’ve shared a great deal and got on the other side of it, stronger and closer than before. Still, I have felt a sense of loss about how our sexual passion used to be expressed; sometimes I feel acutely disappointed and scared it will not ever be the same.
Of course it’s hard to feel passionate when having gasping hot flashes that make me feel I’ll pass out. When I feel that way, I don’t want to be touched because the touch becomes painfully hot. It is scary to have my body temperature so unregulated, which brings me to the topic of the worry that’s so frequently in me about whether this or that is a symptom of something terrible or just a passing thing that’s normal post thyroidectomy. It’s hard to feel sexy while you worry. Anyway, these hot flashes don’t seem the same as menses hot flashes. I’ve had those. This is more intense and it comes with the sensations of heat stroke. I have learned the hard way that consuming things at room temperature feels more manageable because my body is so sluggish about maintaining a comfortable temperature without a thyroid. It could be twenty minutes before I stop responding to a popsicle I ate, so I’ll be sweating profusely while my body tries to heat itself back up again post popsicle. By the time it finally figures out I’m okay with a popsicle, I feel ready to pass out; especially if it’s a hot day. It bears repeating that this hardly feels sexy.
And then there’s the changes in weight that have nothing to do with diet (though exercise seems to help immensely and I don’t do enough of it) and everything to do with whatever dosage of the synthroid I’m taking. Right now, they aren’t choosing dosages that make me comfortable. They are picking the dosage that is most likely to keep a certain blood level of another hormone at zero or as close to it as can be managed without making me sick with hyper or hypothyroidism; thus my weight see-saws. The hormone that they want to be at zero level, is the kind that stimulates growth of cells. Cancer cells love that stuff, you see, but the side effect is that healthy cells are starved for it too. Thus my skin is getting wrinkled and losing elasticity; not to mention I am scaring over the smallest scratch. I strongly suspect that when the powers that be finally begin to choose dosages to address my comfort and balance, I am going to find that my skin sags sans the weight bulges and does so permanently. Did I mention my hair is greying far more rapidly than in recent years too? I could live with that, but will Remus still find me sexy if my skin is baggy?
The worst part of all this is the anxiety and vague depression that is a major symptom of thyroid upsets. I mentioned that in a recent post, I know. My point is that with all this going on (and I didn’t mention all the symptoms either) I don’t feel sexy. Yep. I know I mentioned that too, but it also bears repeating, because it often feels like an all-pervading emotion which discolors how I perceive my life. It feels as if cancer and a lack of a thyroid has taken over my life. What happened to the ebullience? Where is my contentment? Did I mention that I’m not sure what to do about this? I have just been meditating. Meditation helps, but not as much as I could hope for. Lately, I have been feeling an upwelling of anger over stupid small things. I mentioned it to the doctor, so she hooked me up with someone to talk to about it at her clinic. If having a few bitch sessions doesn’t clear things up, then I’ll be getting a longer term counselor.
Anyway, Remus just holds me when I get overwhelmed by all this. He playfully teases me too. I know he loves me deeply. I seem to be needing more reassurance of this of late though. When I’m not over heated anyway. Thankfully he’s even willing to serve as a live heater when I’m shaking uncontrollably with chills, which I get each morning and may do at other times too. The one amusing thing about this last is that I jerk around similarly to orgasm, so Remus becomes aroused during these moments. I enjoy that somewhere in the back of my mind, but I’m usually too uncomfortable and sad about shaking like that for the reason I’m shaking, to respond to him very much about his arousal. I’m not much fun these days I guess.
Thankfully I have other affirmations of his admiration for me which I can enjoy better. For instance, when I see him naked at any time, he seems to have a slight swelling of his fun parts, just as he always has. This is affirming…but I guess I am too emotionally and physically challenged to find it as affirming as I ought to and would otherwise.
We had a chat last night about how sex could be better for me. I am finding the BDSM to be too intense…but I’ve felt shy about telling him. Finally in a fit of piqué a couple of weeks ago, I told him I couldn’t do the quickies we often share in the morning, because they are too brief and too painful for me. My words left a sense of distance between us. It needed a closer discussion than we had, but neither of us felt able to pursue it right away. Finally I said that I was very worried that he doesn’t desire me any more. This led to a discussion in which I explained that I need lovemaking, rather than our usual diet of rough sex. It better suits my emotional needs and it helps my body enjoy the short times we have in the morning for connecting erotically. I’m not getting much out of short ventures into sex because my body needs far more stimulation to achieve orgasms when we are so infrequent with intimacy. I was relieved that he understood me. We did lots of touching and cuddling last night before, during and after our discussion. This morning I was interested in sex despite time circumstances forcing us to be brief. We made love slow and gentle. I felt adored, desired and cherished, even if there were no orgasms for me. I think I needed that even more than I needed orgasms.