This passion, I call my writing has been so still in me. I realized today that a vast pool of sadness is gathering about its ongoing silence.
I know what causes the silence. It is all health stuff, but I’m fearful too. I am fearful of what there is in me to express and how it will change my life. I suspect the spaciousness that I’ve kept around my depths will be filled with love and people and responsibilities if I free it, this passion I mean. I feel safe here with the spaciousness. But bored, sleepy and sad.
Thus, here I am. I am taking this step out of the quiet and saying, that joy is here too. I have such a good life in so many ways. Remus and I are creating a better home together. We’ve made many changes here. It feels good to me. I’ve come to feel more at home here.
I’m having a grandchild this summer. I am so excited about that, I can hardly contain myself. I suspect that it’s some of what is pulling me out of this pool of stillness. I am fine with that too.
I got myself a beautiful little bike. It folds and is easy for me to take anywhere.
I’m restarting yoga classes. I’m looking forward to another camping trip to the islands of Lake George this fall. This is all wonderful stuff and not at all unusual. Well the grandchild is, but the other things? Not so much. I have a good life, as I said.
There is another thing that’s occurred to me of late. My life is fairly free of stress and stressful relationships. My writing has historically thrived on that. Perhaps I simply don’t know how to write without recognizing some need to blather first about something stressful? I don’t know, but I need to.
Yesterday, I excitedly showed Remus a few evil sticks I found on the internet. Nope. I’m not telling you where I found them, because there’s only one set and I want it. LOL! They are five of those whippy little carbon canes, most with things on the ends. I found one with a heart shape, one with an “S,” and two more for playing tic-tac-toe, plus a longer plain one for making a game grid with. I fully intend to use them too. Remus got that sparkle in his domly dude eyes when I showed it to him. Maybe we’ll have to partner up to play a game on someone’s ass…
I am so glad the light is growing and that it is warming up. My cat, Kola and I have spring fever. I’m seriously looking forward to the water warming enough to go kayaking… It’s hard to wait for that. In fact, Remus and I are soon heading over to the nearest Tractor Supply store to get a new trailer for hauling our kayaks and other equipment. He can’t wait either! Ah…the idea of floating on the water with a notepad in hand for some poetry or whatever, a pair of binoculars for seeing the birds, this summer really makes me fucking happy…I have not done so, but I am going to start going out alone in future. I’ve considered it unsafe to be on the water alone, but my heart needs that time with just me and the water, floating in the spirit of my passion.