Arousal and erotic excitement are not a tangible, stable intimacy, but an ephemeral one. Ecstatic experience or some vibrant mutual meditation does not constitute a steadfast intimacy either, though each of these things can open the door to a profound intimacy. Only open it.
All relationships should include a variety of influences and moods to fully understand each other. Only time can reveal a person’s nature as it is when she isn’t putting on a show with a new person. You won’t know until a relationship comes under fire, whether it is strong enough to weather it. We should always remember that lasting, steadfast intimacy is built upon the everyday experiences in which we choose to engage mindfully, and share with another person.
Intimacy is built upon the good moods, the dull moods and those we’d like to withdraw from. But only if we choose to engage kindly, with curiosity and tolerance. Intimacy is not built on an orgasm, but on choosing connection again and again, even when its hard. Just let it be said that “hard,” does not equal tolerating abuse. Hard is when there’s a cancer diagnosis, when we grow too old to play or someone makes an error in judgment or has a foible, like squeezing the middle of the toothpaste tube. In a community, this kink community, where pretend cruelty is part of the fun, we must not misplace our clarity about the nature true cruelty and abuse—as opposed to playfulness.
If you study anything about the science of communication, you’ll see that a relationship pivots toward connection or dissolution based solely on mutual understanding that a relationship exists. That understanding must be mutual. No one can fantasize an aspect of it and have a healthy relationship. Good relationships are based on mutual vision for living and similarities that abide well with each other.
Relationship also pivots on communication—effective, vulnerable and honest communication. It isn’t built on an orgasm, or a titillating beating. Those things are the spice and the joy of what’s intrinsically a kink-style relationship, but the key word is “relationship,” not “kink.” Kink will never be the meat of the matter. If you aren’t clear about any of this so far in your relationship, if you aren’t in agreement about all this, the relationship is bound it dissolve. It pays to ask regularly.
It also pays to understand that bonds erode when one person consistently does all the work of connection, or when one person brings only their despair, their drama, their anger to the intimate moments. The two in combination is disastrous. I baffles me that people don’t understand that. Relationships need peaceful, joyful nourishment, focused time and delighted attention to remain healthy.
Kinksters, in their early years in the lifestyle, seem to forget all this. They try to base their relationships on the kink and forget that human relationships are a very separate thing from our activities. Again, the activities, be it boating or beating, are crucial to fun, but ultimately are only the milieu, not the relationship.
These are some words that have been floating around in my mind of late. There is no particular point on a personal level at all, just the sense that the words need “saying” so others can “hear” them. I sometimes respond to such silent impulses, even if I don’t know why the urge to speak comes to me. When I respond to such urges, I often see it touch other people positively. That pleases me.