tumblr_muc8slZgq31rrgft7o1_500My winter break is winding down. I start my new- my last -semester of college this coming week. I’m excited. I am more than glad to move on from this very tough winter time. It hasn’t been tough because its winter. In fact, I’m sick of hearing people complain of winter snow or winter cold. I love nature as it is. I might struggle in its vagaries, but I am far too grateful for my  life to complain of something so ephemeral as what the sky and the wind is doing. No, it’s just been a tough time for me for big handfuls of reasons, none of which I care to dwell further on. I am hoping I have seen the last of them and that my health finally improves. The great joy in my life, other than Remus, is my writing. I’ve managed to write another thirty-plus pages of poetry during this winter break. They need revision, but I’m quite proud of some of them already. It is really satisfying to make a book. I still have much work ahead of me, decisions about what to include of the many poems I could choose from, how to group them, cover art…yep it is fun to make a book.

Another book is edging into my attention too. I had put it on hold to make this book of poetry, but it’s straining to get on a page. I didn’t focus on it before my poetry because I’d have to learn so much first. I must study the sciences of mass, gravity, the composition of the earth and the sun, their life cycles and how all these affect organic life. I need to learn about the cosmic reach of a solar system and what is in the void of space and so many other things in order to write this new story. Its fun to learn such things, but it takes focus and time. It would make a really great project for an MFA, but since Congress decided to steal all financial assistance for advanced degrees, I shall probably have to settle for my BFA…well unless I can get myself accepted to one of the few and much-contended-for full-scholarship programs. They usually save such slots for people with a resume of paid publications. I don’t have those. Yet…but I intend to apply nevertheless. Stephanie Elizondo Griest (who is way cool, you should look her up) says not to ever just give up. “Don’t you give up. Let them say no to you, never say it to yourself.” So I’m going to let them say no to me, but I’ll keep trying until I get the degree I want. In the mean time, I’ve learned to teach myself to write better. That’s more priceless to me than gold.

When I am in a moment like this…one with too many trials, I become introspective and not overtly erotic. I think about the sources of happiness and savor them. I become wordless outside my creative process. I pour my emotions into it, but I don’t try to define it or explain it to others, not usually. I think I shall try just now. It would be good for me.

I am sad. My body is sad. It has been through too much in the last year and a half. I am angry at situations, so many situations. It is not a sexy thing, but it is a life thing. Living is full of these things- those which are joyful, juicy and jiggly, those which leave you feeling desiccated:

I get caught between
gratitude that I have some thing
and terror it is not enough.
This hollows me out,
even as hope holds me together
like a desiccated leaf.

Feeling desiccated is like autumn time. We tumble with the winds into the winter time and we feel chilled and thin until we move into the greening again. It comes round always.  Even when we feel sick, or impoverished in some way. That’s the grace nature bestows upon me all the days of my life. This grace helps me see and embrace the very many riches I have and to grow plump and ripe with them.

3 thoughts on “Shuttered

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