I feel a powerful impulse to write and very little focus to get anything on a page. Its frustrating, but I’m so grateful to feel that creative spiciness.
I had a realization last night that will need some creative writing about: I am usually aloof. I am slow to trust. I knew that part. I also knew that I love ceremony. I love to make love. I love connecting with something alive and conscious in natural environments. What’s new (or at least it’s as new as my glutenous memory will allow me to remember just now) is that I never put together that I am never aloof in those situations/places. I am open-hearted. I am engaged, intimate and I am willing to trust and be vulnerable. I have to work at it more in other settings. So long as I’m not stressed out or feeling insecure about other people there, I enjoy social engagements immensely. It’s nice to be with other people. I don’t necessarily feel fulfilled with the connection though. It is common for me to give more than I receive in other kinds of social situations. My sense of connection comes from really spiritual experiences. It’s where I am willing and able, even skilled at making emotional connections and letting myself fill up.
One the one hand, that’s good. I have some moments and situations that make me feel truly loved.
On the other hand, it’s also a rather short list of situations. People don’t always want to be outside with me. They don’t always want to make love. They don’t always or maybe never want to do ceremony with me. I have learned to get filled up without other people by engaging in some of those things by myself or without my loved ones, but I feel alone with my joy in it. I miss others I love very much then.
Writing is the other way I get to feel vulnerable and emotional. I often delight in it, but I don’t always feel fulfilled by it. Sometimes it leaves me feeling as if I was mentally tarred and feathered and then someone ripped it all off. I feel that way when I’m being judged or emotionally attacked too. I think often of late of Audre Lorde’s quote from Sister Outsider which I shared in a recent post:
As we learn to bear the intimacy of scrutiny and to flourish within it, as we learn to use the products of that scrutiny for power within our living, those fears which rule our lives and form our silences begin to lose their control over us (36).
Audre Lorde speaks here about literary criticism, but I think it applies to all aspects of life, don’t you?
I suppose I noticed all this because I am talking about community and being acknowledged with some other women tomorrow and I’ve been contemplating what I’d like to share. I suppose too it’s because getting gluten leaves me feeling depressed which only exacerbates feeling aloof from others.
I know where this comes from (beyond the gluten reactions and the low winter lighting) and those sources have and will continue to be the subject of more creative writing (because all writers source their own lives for creative juiciness), but I’m focused now on just the shortness of my list of ways I get truly connected and on the specialty of the kinds of interactions I tend to seek. Basically those are situations where other people get emotionally and spiritually naked with me. When I see that, I feel safe and eager to drop my masks and defences too.
Well that’s my mulling today. Took me an hour to write it with many distractions. I hope that tomorrow I am even more clear-headed. I have much on my to do list that’s been neglected.