I have mentioned in various opening posts for this blog, that I began here by populating Radiances with posts from three previous blogs. Today I deleted two of them. Strangely I anticipate the deletion of the most recently written one (written solely about Remus and I) to be easiest to delete. After all, I lose nothing at all in deleting that old blog except a template I am fond of. Perhaps some day I can have it again, but it’s not that important to me. I brought all the joy and love recorded so carefully and devotedly over here, you see. But in deleting those other two blogs which I had written on for years before I met Remus, I am letting go of the past completely and succinctly. That means, no looking back on old erotica, old poems, old loves. WordPress does not archive the blog. Once deleted it is gone forever. I hit delete twice with two of those blogs today. I was ready…but it is still difficult to say goodbye to my old life so completely and so permanently.
As I navel gaze about that releasing of people, places and things, I’m minded of the way I have felt when I cast off painful things and never think of them again. Granted everything that happened then brought me to this moment and helped form the woman I am today. But I don’t need that writing to feel affirmed or to remember what was important.
I learned a great deal with this move to Radiances. I learned it’s far more work than I anticipated and that its far more cathartic and satisfying. Remus thought it was a silly waste of time. He didn’t care all that much that anyone we know was reading there. It was a perfectly good blog. Nevertheless he affirms the idea of cleaning out detritus as a general principle when he’s seen me do it. He liked to see bins of old notebooks tossed out or emptied out closets worth of junk. For me, as a writer, this is the same activity. Cleaning house is a good thing to do. It is renewing, clarifying, rejuvenating. It is work that I really want/need to do for another set of blogs I own under my real name. I look forward to that work, but I think it should wait until I am ready to port them over to my new self hosted site.
In any case, the remaining active blog is set for collecting up some old readers who may want to follow me here also and then I’ll be hitting delete again. In doing so, I will be doing much to release the emotional weight I still carry about dealing with Bellatrix. It will be good to put her behind me and focus solely on Remus.
Oh, its true that Bellatrix is represented here by no few posts, but she isn’t a reader here and that’s a huge load off my heart. Somehow she and all those other ghosts of relationships past are wisping away both literally and figuratively. It feels good…