I am irritable the past few days. One person in particular seems to have claimed the center stage as locus for my stress response. At some point or another, ongoing, long-standing stress wears me down. I become irritable.
There’s logic in that. What human being doesn’t become irritable when their limit is reached?
I found mine. It took awhile…as in about 6 months of stressful stuff…but I am finally irritable.
I don’t think I’m the least logical about what it irritating me, or even who is irritating me. It totally doesn’t matter really, except that I hurt my friend’s feelings. I’m just grumpy. I’m grumpy over the many undignified, and anxiety ridden cumulative moments life which has demanded until there was nothing of physical resilience left of me. I finally got through my treatment and I got a lung infection and that just put me over the line of my patience-reserve. Now I’m mad.
I suppose it could also be that the season is changing and the light is making its magic in my body…maybe I am finally getting out of my winter doldrums and now that winter’s worth of low-grade blah has shifted…leaving enough energy to turn into the grumps over everything I usually let roll off in order to focus on what’s next. Apparently I didn’t let it all roll off in the past 6 months or I wouldn’t be grumpy.
Grumpy is a good sign, though it may not seem so to some. I’m still in here…but I am already tired of my grouchy. Remus would say I should just stop being grumpy…
I will…when I’m done being grumpy. Frankly, it feels bone deep…a bone deep tension held in my muscles and bones from the unknown creeping up on me inexorably, with a threat to my life and health. The events of surgery, treatment and diagnosis are all behind me now and so no longer unknown…I had my first cancer free diagnostic scan and treatment moving forward will be no more invasive than a few prescriptions and an occasional blood test. So the tension is oozing out of me. But it will be awhile before I’m fit company for some who tend to require much patience from me on one of my most excellent days.
There are remedies for this state of mind. Yoga. That will happen just as soon as I can do it without getting so dizzy (from bad lung capacity) that I fall down. Spending time with my meditation group. That will happen as soon as snow days allow. Spending time with friends. That will happen tomorrow. I have two good friends I’m going to have lunch with tomorrow. I really need some girl time. Sex with Remus…hopefully that will happen very soon. Frankly, when a body can’t breathe, well, it might be able to manage driving to lunch with friends, or loading the dishwasher, but hacking and related lung oozing is utterly unsexy and highly incompatible with something as highly aerobic as sex. I don’t know when sex will happen again. Maybe in the interim, we will get some touch time on the massage table. That’s a good stand in. Getting outside. There will be a little walking tomorrow to get around for lunch. That will help tremendously…but just feeling better would go a very long way to improving my disposition…Not to mention, writing. I need to feel creative again. I need to feel “the flow” again that creative process puts me in.
When I went to my doctor Monday about this lung thing, she said to me in a really quiet sympathetic voice, “You’ve been through a very great deal for a long while now haven’t you?”
Yes. Yes I have. And frankly, I tried very hard not to be a chore even when I was shaking all over..even when I felt weepy, even when I felt impatient, even when I felt alone and weak…even when I wanted to rail against the process. I tried to be pleasant and to be present and most importantly to be very grateful…
I encouraged peace inside myself. It was real too…but then so was the stress…and now I need it out of me. I need my body to relax, to restore and to regain its resilience and strength. My emotions will naturally go along for the ride. Nurturing myself will take me there….
So ends the very unfun, but totally logical post of irritation.