I’m philosophical and preoccupied of late. I guess that facing fears of dying will do that to you. On that front I think I’m doing rather well actually. I am rather peaceful over all. I’ve had moments, but all in all, things are going along gently inside and out. Contrary to my fears, I’m not dying; I just have a life threatening illness. If all goes my way, and statistics shows it does, I’ll be just ducky very soon…still, when the “C” word is used, it tends to make you consider the ramifications of death and dying. Thus the introspective or simply silent moods.

And when something pricks that silence, I tend to think even more deeply than I normally do…especially one tending to navel gazing already…

I was just ready to go to sleep last night when a poem started writing itself again. I started the poem at lunch time…and it’s decided to continue tonight. Despite really wishing for sleep, I love when that happens…I like my poem. It will make some nice material when I am ready to hand in work for my degree next week. I also decided to write about a time my mother took a sledge-hammer to her station wagon for an assigned writing prompt. It will make a fun writing exercise…which is supposed to be on something done that’s utterly illogical. What could be more illogical except taking a sledge to a car unless it’s to take your shot-gun to your truck. My step father did that last nutty thing. My family was a bit nutty at times…but they were funny.

I was reading Facebook last night. I find that my circle of friends is very enmeshed with the circle of friends Remus’s ex has. That’s how we met after all. We travel in the same social circles. For a long while she blocked my profile on various social sites we both belong to. I got used to not having any knowledge of her over the past year or two. Some time last fall that changed. Now when she makes comments on my friend’s page, I find her name and thoughts crossing over my news feed. It’s disconcerting sometimes….but I have come to accept it. Mostly I try to avoid any contact with her. It is…simpler to do things that way. Occasionally I check in on her. I care about her welfare. I want to know that she’s happy and that her life is full of goodness. Usually there are comments that she’s got sources of joy in her life. I don’t know if she’s happy, but she does know joy. I know it’s her habit to not really show the world her pain, but each time I investigate her life a bit, I hope to see that her pain has eased a little more. I hope that for her because I want her to be happy. I always have.

Her enmity continues, though if a recent comment on her Facebook is any indication….I have always thought she shows the ragged edges of her pain in small stabbing remarks that are so obviously aimed and reminding our entire circles that she’s been “wronged” by me. Such a ragged edge was displayed in a seemingly jolly wish for a happy new year to all her Facebook friends.

We have such very different viewpoints of events between us. It is very remarkable that two people can see the same things so utterly the polar opposite. I remember…well I just remember things differently than wronging her or taking my happiness or Remus taking his happiness at her expense…. as she’s most recently put things. It wasn’t a direct comment toward me specifically on her Facebook status…but it was a rather obvious dig at someone. Given their recent finalization of divorce, it’s not at all surprising that I’d take it for a dig at me, but I freely admit I could just be taking her remark personal. Sort of. I’m not really doing so. Mostly I stand separately on an emotional level from her judgements about my actions. I know they don’t apply to me and that her viewpoints are utterly based on jealousy and a sense of personal inadequacy, and not a true evaluation of my personal ethics. Yet it troubles me that she’s still trying to show all of our community that she’s the wronged party in this divorce proceeding…and still so obviously trying to gather allies against me.

I do feel an all too familiar twinge of hurt at her digs…at her need to blame publicly, a  behavior which has been so divisive within our community circles. I admit that I am hurt that she continues to ally gather in these ways.

Mostly though I am sad for her. She must be hurting terribly to be so snide, so divisive…to put her children and her friends in the position of taking sides…because that’s the outcome of such behavior. People have a right to love and approve of Remus, just as much as they do her. He doesn’t say things against her and neither do I in any public way. Even when other people start to dig at her character, I am usually the first to point out her good points or the normalcy of her sense of hurt in the situation…to give her time to heal.

Her pain is very real to me. It always has been. I have longed many times to smooth it away and wave my magic happiness wand on her behalf. I cannot though. She’s got to set aside her bitterness and make herself happy. She’s a wise woman in so many ways and I admire that about her. She can be incredibly kind and thoughtful. I always rather wished she’d have directed even a bit of that my way. I hope she can start to apply that wisdom to her own heart with regard to this matter of their divorce…and I hope she’ll stop trying to make me a villain in her inner drama about it all. For that matter, I hope for her sake that she stops trying to make anyone a villain and stops the inner drama. Her happiness depends on it. So long as she holds on to this enmity, she’ll keep herself a prisoner of unhappiness.

I still wish we’d been friends…

Yet I am not at all sad that I’m sharing my life with Remus. He’s a wonderful man. I’m very fortunate in his love…we are very fortunate.

I saw a beautiful picture on her Facebook page. She looks radiant in the love she so obviously feels for the partner she has in her life now…That image shows the way she’s always looked at this new lover in her life. I saw that love in her eyes from the beginning of their dating. There’s respect there and delight that I never saw in her eyes with Remus. It’s a beautiful image. They both look very soft together emotionally. It is certainly rare for her to show her heart so obviously in my experience of her…She looks good.

I don’t know if she realizes that. I hope she will. I hope she spreads the beauty I saw in that picture into all corners of her life and makes her life blossom all the potential she’s capable of…that she makes this year one of contentment and fulfillment. That’s what I hope for her new year. Happy New Year to her…

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