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Life has progressed for Remus. A few days ago, he became divorced from his wife. The divorce was completed at the beginning of this month, but courts are slow to send out documents and so it was a week or two before he learned of it. He’s spent the past few days going through his life and updating things. Fetlife and Facebook pages…financial documents…

It has all made me think about marriage experiences in my life. I’ve been legally married only once in my life. I didn’t want to get married. My Catholic friend, whom I’d named God mother to my son guilt tripped me into it. She harped on me for months about it, saying my son would want me to be married to my son’s father when he was born. I didn’t want to marry my son’s father. I knew the relationship wouldn’t last on a gut level. He just wasn’t who I wanted to spend my whole life with. I needed a more gentle man; a man more at peace with himself, more mature and more involved in being a loving person in the world. My son’s father has always been more about the almighty dollar and what it could get him. He’s always had a temper and he’s always been more interested in sports, work and prestige than in a walk in the woods. The delight in watching a child learn to crawl or the activities of simple things in life were my tendency to focus on; those very things he avoided…and those things are what I’m all about. We simply approach life differently and assign meaning to very different things in life. We were unsuited. Nevertheless, for my son, I married this man and within two years, I was ready to end the marriage. It was an ugly ending that turned out okay. Years later, I can enjoy his company when the occasion arises to be in it.

I felt married to the man I fell for in my late 20’s. We never did legally marry though. We just never got round to it or we chose not to “right now” for various reasons. For completely different reasons, we were unsuited. I still needed a man who is at peace with himself and involved in being a loving person in the world. My last partner cared about the land. He was enviable at gardening and could work circles around people, but he was not a peaceful person to live with. Not at all…and that wore me down and out. I still hold some pain about that relationship…but mostly I am at peace with it all. It was a crucial time in my life. I learned a great deal about the kind of person I want to be. I adored him. I could not live with him in peaceful harmony. Being at peace and living in harmony because the most important thing in life for me. I had to move on. So I did.

Remus and I struck up a friendship. We never had a moment’s intention of falling in love and certainly no thought to him not being married to his wife at all. Yet he is an extraordinary human being whom I could not help but love. He’s been my very good friend all this time and this love just grew and grew. I found my match in every way… except perhaps in matters of frequency and duration of the erotic. Possibly that will come to match perfectly in time as I age, so I try not to complain about it at all… We like our house kept the same way. We manage money similarly. We like the same foods; except for olives. (That’s an inside joke by the way) Those ways in which we aren’t just alike, give us things to joke about and to compromise on. Mostly these differences become points about which one of us gets to indulge the other or practice our kink dynamic together. We aren’t put out by those differences in any appreciable way. Our lives together are very happy and I’m thankful beyond words. I’ve finally found my match.

And marriage is never a topic of conversation between us.

He’s happy not to be married any more and has no intention of getting married again in his life. Yet, he’s talking about death benefits where I’m concerned. One night recently, we were both at our desks here and he pushed a form in front of me, asking me for my social security number. He pointed to a line on which to write it. I didn’t ask him what it was for; I just write my social down. As he was pulling it away, I asked him what it was for. I was a bit surprised when he said that he’d just made me a beneficiary for something. I actually don’t even remember what it was for now. I was too surprised to know that he was intertwining our lives in these very “marriage” sort of ways. I never expected to share such things with him. I shared those things with my son’s father and within my last relationship. I just never expected to with any man again, must less with Remus whom I’ve had very candid “we’ll-never-marry-again” conversations. I thought we’d always keep any financial matters utterly separate.

It’s a distance we’ve maintained between us…a boundary of privacy and freedom. It also means personal control is maintained and it means that there’s no potential “entitlement” on anyone’s part.

I’m honored by this decision. And a little startled at him choosing to step into that space we’ve created together very consciously and make a connection that means “life partnership” so succinctly.

He is the leader in the matters of our relationship and I’m content with that. I feel no need to change back to reclaim that distance. I’m simply noticing that change. I’m wondering if it changed the dynamic between us. It doesn’t feel like it…

I suppose rather it simply put a bit of formality to our feelings for one another.

In the absence of his wife’s physical presence, there’s been space to let our love become and grow into whatever it can potentially be. We’ve been enjoying that consciously and tending to it consciously. It has grown into a life partnership and I’m so blessed by that.

For so many reasons, I have a very happy life. Remus contributes a great deal to my happiness. I am so grateful.

 

 

2 thoughts on “The Details of Changes

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