Life has brought change. That’s a good thing. Being stagnant is boring and unfulfilling.
The changes have taken me away from this kind of writing; that is to say, writing about relationship. My writing has been more literary for a long while now as I study the craft of writing in college full-time. God I’m loving that! As I’ve immersed myself in writing a short crime story, a myth, poetry and essays on life process, I’ve simply not felt like writing erotic prose.
And then there’s been changes in relating between Remus and I. Our relationship is shifting out of new relationship energy and into more mature intimacies on an emotional and spiritual level. That depth has felt private…and sweet. So has my struggle with the shifts from it being a more erotic relationship to it being a more emotional one with a focus on companionship rather than on erotic intimacies. I’ve simply not wanted to write about it anywhere and I haven’t done so even where I blog privately…mostly because I don’t want to sound ungrateful…nor to give any smidgen of an impression that intimacies with Remus are any less sweet to me. Not even for a second. It is only that my sex drive is more pressing than his…and my desire for and need for expressing intimacies and love in an erotic fashion is greater and more pressing than his. He is content with a few times a week. He is content to satisfy urges in briefer encounters, rather than lingering as I prefer. I want a daily dose…and more frequently if at all possible. These differences in frequency and interest has created a dynamic that I’m not sure what to do with…And its created a sense of pressure in him that I don’t know what to do with either…so again I simply feel silent about it while I figure it out…and in the meantime my life moves forward and I embrace is joyfully.
Then there’s recent health changes. I’ve discovered I have thyroid cancer. There’s generally a 95% cure rate with surgery. I’m scheduled for a thyroidectomy in late January, followed by appointments with an endocrinologist to start thyroid hormone replacement therapy. In the meantime I’m learning to engage and embrace my life in relationship with death. It’s making it feel crisper and I’m getting more peaceful and relaxed into my life. It’s an evolution for me personally and I’m grateful for it.
So…I suppose I’ve not written because life is going through a “non-sexy” time. Sometimes life isn’t sexy… or rather sometimes life holds things about which folks don’t feel sexy. I still feel sexy. But I’m not necessarily like others. I think life is just as juicy…but it usually isn’t necessarily juicy to other people to talk about all these other events that are consuming so much of my attention and heart just now. So I hesitate to discuss my life within the context of a blog focused primarily on the erotic. For me, there’s all kinds of juicy. There’s the juicy that leaks from the face as I feel moved by my life in some way.
There’s the juicy when I’m sick or the juicy when I’m overcome with orgasms…it’s all the same thing really. Juicy isn’t only beautiful…often it’s even ugly. But I must state firmly that for me it’s always about engaging life as it arises and savoring it so much you’re moved to leak all over the place.
Nevertheless, this is my blog and it’s about my life and my relationship with Remus. I shall write when the spirit moves and I’ll write honestly about whatever is arising in my life. That may appeal. It may not. To each his or her own. I shall have reverence for it all here.