A number of times, I’ve noticed that dominants think that playing with submissives is work and an uneven exchange. I think it certainly takes some effort to engage. It certainly takes some imagination to guide the play.
However, it takes an effort to keep any kind of relationship engaged and enjoyable. Being a dominant or a partner or a friend takes some effort. You can’t just let it wilt on a vine and expect it to stay alive. It is a two-way street. You get what you put into it. If you are bored or boring, if you expect to be bored or feel you are doing more than your share, you won’t get much from your partner. You won’t be willing to offer much either. That stinginess is a problem. It’s a big red flag. That’s because you are measuring love instead of simply giving it enthusiastically. Engaging with enthusiasm is needful to keep a relationship thriving. It’s that simple. You can’t just sit back, expect to be served more than you dominate or relate. You can’t liaise lazily and then sit back to let all the fun come to you and expect, with so little effort, that it will keep on cumming.
As well, you can’t do things by rote in a relationship and expect not to get bored. You’ve got to keep making the effort to be imaginative and make things different regularly. Boredom is a kind of lack of appreciation…it’s a form of neglect of both yourself and Another…and it’s a kind of disinterest in the person you’ve chosen. If you let that set in…it’s basically saying you just don’t care that much to keep things fresh…and it’s saying to your partner in a passive aggressive way that aren’t interested in giving your attention…and it’s a silent warning that your attention will soon waver.
You can’t set aside a focus on a relationship until “something” else passes endlessly either. There will always be something important and distracting in life…keeping a relationship happy and healthy takes work. It’s that simple. If you say you don’t have the energy and turn your attention to Facebook and TV all the time instead…that’s saying your partner is too much effort…not that something else is all-consuming. I’m sorry, but these activities are those of a depressed person if chosen over engaging your partner time and again. The truth of that will never waiver…not any more than the truth that there will always be something that demands your time and attention in a stressful way. The question is, do you really want it? If you do, then get off your butt and engage. If you don’t, then just say so and move on. Don’t put all those other things first forever, promising what you will never really give.
Lots of times, a dominant will think they did all the work if they play awhile until he or she either gets tired or then turns to focusing on cumming. So the dynamic between dominant and submissive then only continues until the dominant cums and then they are done…Perhaps that’s the real issue. It seems that when orgasm is the goal, then it becomes a payoff kind of experience, not intimacy.
For me, touching and enjoying each other is the pay off. The dynamic is the dressing that makes the touching and intimacy special and unique. I crave orgasm when the touching and engagement is not truly intimate. When it is intensely intimate, I feel far more easily sated sexually.
I have always felt irritated by the attitude that domination is all about wearing yourself out making a submissive cum.
My irritation stems from people missing the point. Intimacy is the point. It’s what makes the moment intense and zingy…and, in the past, dominants that took that attitude with me start to see a lack of interest in engaging or pleasing or even being submissive to them unless there’s a pay off for me. Two can play that game after all. I don’t give if it’s all about pay off.
But I soon get bored with even the tit for tat of that. I just stop engaging after a while. I wait for the partner to engage. If he or she doesn’t, then we don’t. If the relationship atrophy’s then who’s to blame then?
At least, that’s what I’ve seen myself doing in past relationships. I try to correct the course of things by talking about it lovingly. But I won’t keep doing so over and over again. It’s not my job to play the counselor in my relationships. If I do my part in communication and the relationship continues to stagnate, then that’s what happens. I don’t waste my time beating a dead horse. If someone’s got a habit of this attitude, then let’s get it over with and move on…because my heart and lifestyle won’t tolerate that indefinitely anyway. I expect intimacy. I expect an engagement. I expect enthusiasm and a sense of adventure. Might as well move on if staid is all you hope and work for…because in the end, there won’t be anything but a dull friendship or perhaps a convenient roommate situation out of what was once a thriving, fun relationship.
And one final point. Submission is a great deal of work. Especially service and sexual submission. Did you think that it’s effortless to clean the house or cook? Do you think that delivering a meal to the table is effortless or that doing projects for the dominant or grocery shopping or any other of the many things I do is effortless? Did you think it’s effortless to give a blow job and get a man so worked up he fucks for 5 or 10 minutes, cums and falls asleep? Do you think it’s effortless to be solicit discussions or try to be pretty so he’ll be proud, or to do stuff he needs done even when sick? How much time actually goes into all that? It seems to me that there’s more time spent in effort for that kind of submission for no or little return whatsoever…perhaps not even any more than a brief thank you. Did you think that giving without end without any engagement is easy? Do you think it really and truly compares to a scene for an hour once or twice a week…or shockingly less like once every two or three months? So yeah…I get mad when I hear a guy or gal dominant whining that it’s all their own effort if they spend up to an hour on a scene. Wow…I think that the hour or two I spend a day minimum (and usually much more than that) tips the scales by far to my effort, not theirs. It pisses me off when that attitude makes my dynamic murky with silence, expectations and laziness on the part of my dominant. It irritates me when my own needs for intimacy and sexual engagement go continuously unmet for weeks on end along with that.
That’s why the blow jobs will disappear and why I will let messes slide after a while when I have something more important to me personally going on. That’s why I won’t even ask for engagement at after a while. I just don’t bother.
And what goes on from there is a lack of desire. I start fantasizing about someone else when I’m alone…simply because I am lonely and the idea of a stranger starts to hold some potential for enthusiasm and the hope of intimacy from someone who might actually appreciate me.
It’s called taking someone for granted. Plain and simple. Taking your partner for granted is an incredibly corrosive thing to do to someone you love. Truly. It’s about as neglectful as you can get.
And I am not the only submissive (or non-kink partner, for that matter) who starts to think this way after a while. Dominants should know this…and beware of the issue arising in their dynamic. If you aren’t getting the submission you want from your submissive, then maybe you aren’t really giving and engaging in a fulfilling way and your relationship is atrophied because of your own lack and not theirs. You are the leader after all.
A post stimulated by a post…No need for linking.