There’s a cloud of sadness, depression and anger around my soon to be ex-met amour. She came today to pick up more things. She’d timed her visit for the time Remus normally pops in for lunch, so they met on the porch on his way in and casually in the basement where he’d gone to tend something before dashing back to work. It was sad to see the closed, tenseness in him when he came in from seeing her. He put on a cheerful face, but it was tense and not the easy, relaxed openness we usually greet each other with.
It was sad to hear her crying after he left for work.
My mind and heart wanders over many things in the wake of her visit and their interactions. I remember times in my life when I felt grief-stricken at the loss of a relationship. It’s so painful…and it was often strife-filled and very sad. Sometimes I felt such depression and anger about my losses and injuries suffered. I remember how much it hurts. I remember how toxic all that anger and depression felt. I remember how toxic all the self-doubt felt.
It makes me grateful that this time in my life isn’t grief-filled. There are things I feel wistful for…things I wish I were abundant in…But I am happy with what life has brought me just now. It is the life I created. The choices I made brought me to this moment. I love my life.
Life generally holds both grief and happiness. It is natural because this life is temporary. Someday my life will hold loss again and painful emotions will sweep my heart again. Knowing that the cycles happen makes me grateful and hopeful.
There’s a richness in those emotions that builds a desire in me to build inner happiness that’s just for me…because that’s what builds and sustains that gratitude, happiness and hopefulness. It’s all sort of self-sustaining…