Remus and I were lazing in the bed waiting for sleep to claim us Saturday night. We’d meant to go to a party scheduled after a medical play class the kinky community attended. We’d opted out of the class because, mostly, the various types of medical play is something we’ve both mastered already or aren’t ready to try together. We’d have leapt at the chance to learn about temporary branding, but that wasn’t offered this time. Hopefully next time… In any case, we’d planned to play with a beautiful female friend Saturday night at the party, but we were both really tired. So we opted to stay home.

We exchanged body rubs which we both still sorely need since we’re still recovering from roof work. We watched Netflix in bed and were lazing there talking afterward. Somehow the conversation got around to the fears I’ve shared a little of here. I don’t remember the exact words of the beginning of our conversation. The gist is that I admitted that my history causes some fear in me. It is not overwhelming me. It isn’t a constant emotion, but it’s been persistent. I felt a need to acknowledge it aloud to him. He listened silently. When I finished speaking, he was affectionate and playful, soliciting laughter. Then he turned over and I snuggled in to spoon with him. Into the sleepy silence I asked him if he was ever fearful as I’ve been.

“No I don’t think I’ve ever doubted our relationship. It just feels right. It’s always felt right.”

I’ve smiled to myself since he said that…relaxing into its simple truth.

Despite my doubts, I’ve always felt the same way about our relationship. It just feels right. It feels like it fits. It fits the way green is becoming to the plants in spring, making them so beautiful. It feels good and comforting the way it does when sliding into clean sheets on the bed after a long day at work. It feels warming and cozy to me the way the sunshine feels on my shoulders on a cool fall day. It sparkles the way the light does on snow in the winter, dazzling the eyes and making you feel eager to be outside, celebrating light and white. It feels as comfortable as a favorite shirt. It feels enduring. It feels there’s no reason and never will be for strife or splitting.

It is full of passion and an equal devotion. I just love his company…so there’s no reason for boredom either.

My doubts and insecurities are all about me, not about the inside of Us…which I knew and said as much. I knew that before he said this simple truth. I knew what’s true about our relationship too. Self-care and self-love relieves those doubts and the insecurities. Speaking of it does too. His reassurances helped me connect more tangibly with a deeper sense of myself. Other things I’ve done for myself to shower myself in love is also relieving insecurities. It feels good to me.

 

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