A gif…

A bit of a break before the next boat load of over due assignments are attended to some more…

I’ve been thinking for months now about a fetish event we’re attending in a few weeks… A few years ago an old beau took me to this event. He determined that I should play while there. I had a standing policy that I’d never strip down in front of anyone and I’d never play publicly. Never. He contested that idea. Not only as a dominant because it pleased him to be seen playing with me, but because he felt that experienced players ought to be playing in front of people because it helped new people learn. I said I’d think about it. While there, he got me to get naked from the waist up and have a flogging. He also got me to be naked while 99% of other attendees were otherwise engaged and let him fondle me.

I found it arousing…but also very scary. I can write about it and talk about it…but doing it in front of others feels like someone can see into my heart and soul. I open completely when I’m with a partner during intimate moments. I’m never really fully closed, but some parts of me aren’t displayed, though they aren’t hidden either…It is like having  a door-less fitting room where all is out of sight but clearly hinted at, labeled and you can hear what I’m doing. As I was playing with this old lover, I felt like someone made the walls transparent. It felt…vulnerable.

I realized that I liked those emotions of vulnerability and transparency…

I also realized that I wanted to feel safer about it…and he wasn’t the right person for me to share public play with.

It’s years later and now I’m with Remus who is very experienced and skilled at what he enjoys for kinks. He’s used to playing in front of a group of kinksters too.

The excitement of playing openly stuck with me these past years. It feels like a drunk jonesing for more. I still don’t like to get naked in front of everyone. I still don’t want to have everyone looking at me at once…and yet I do want to be watched. It’s an odd sensation of modesty, shyness, feral arousal that doesn’t care at all, and exhibitionist. There’s fear still too. How will it feel to be so revealed emotionally and spiritually to anyone who cares to watch? How will it feel to have my kinks displayed for anyone to see? How will it feel to be displayed by Remus? How will it feel to be used by him in front of others? How will it feel to be so sexual in front of people? I was taught that’s deplorable, shameful behavior…so it’s a huge shift to even contemplate it. It would certainly be a huge act of love and trust. Trust in both myself and in Remus.

When Remus entered my life, I thought it would be fun to play with him at events. We did so last summer and fall several times. I had fun and I didn’t feel terribly shy…but he was careful to respect my boundaries by not to taking anything into the realm of sexual intimacy the way that my old lover did…and that…somehow… is the point about which the jonesing is happening…I have this fantasy of being paraded in collar and leash, played with, made to squirt and fucked by Remus at this event. I have for months. I have no idea why this is the thing I am so hot and bothered by…and I’m not even sure I want to when my libido is taken out of the equation. The vast majority of my emotional landscape is girlish, whimsical and innocent…the vast majority of my inner emotional life is not at all raunchy…but gamin, silly and modest. This part of my nature is not at all interested in being used. That I can participate so much with Remus is unusual…but Remus must be careful to tend to this softer, more innocent self to keep the balance or I’ll feel hurt. So I’m not even sure I could do all that…I’m not sure what I could actually do without a little emotional turmoil to be honest. Nevertheless I’d like to find out.

Not to mention…It is very likely to cause an emotional stir with his estranged wife quite frankly…although I’m sure it won’t stop her from playing loudly and overtly in front of him and everyone else. That’s her style; be pissed at him for what he does with relative modesty, while doing far more and far more overtly. While I am not at all angry with her…and don’t feel annoyed even in anticipation, given what I have become accustomed to regarding her hypocrisy, I am sensitive to her feelings. It would be hard for her I’m sure. I am not interested in having my fun at her expense.

Nevertheless the desire is there to share that with Remus…and I grow weary of her feelings always coming first…and I can only sigh with tiredness at her hypocrisies.

Something else is in all this too…I have a desire to be declared Remus’s in our community…I’d like to change our fetlife profiles. I’d like to be acknowledged. And I have been in many ways. He’s slowly doing that as appropriate and comfortable for him….He’s doing so as he wants to…and I’d rather his acknowledgements spring from his desire to include me, rather than at my beckoning. Whether he wants to do so or not in this instance, I can see plainly that he’s doing so as much as he can without causing world war three with his wife. Every change becomes a battle ground in her mind and heart…I’m sure that makes it hard for him to even want to make changes regarding me.

And I can understand her feelings and his. I’ve been in her shoes. She’s been succinctly supplanted and it hurts. It hurts intensely and that naturally pricks fury in her.  She bleeds it all over the place…and she is a pain in the ass when she’s in a fury. It’s becoming tedious and emotionally threatening to him…especially since he keeps getting told by her that she’s got plenty of grounds to ruin him financially.

All that aside, sharing this fantasy is a beautiful, erotic, fun thing to do. Never mind it might make me feel validated… because playing in front of everyone with a collar on certainly achieves that. It’s a statement of commitment and for Remus that’s a significant statement to make. It is not something he’s ever wanted before, not even of his wife. That he wants it with me is significant and would be noted as such.

Never minding all that…it’s fun. We’ve never really done this before either of us…so it is all new territory for us both. It would be so fun to share that with him.

So…I feel torn lot’s about playing. Playing with Remus is obviously going to have some fall out…fall out which takes a bit of the fun out of it all for me.

Yet considering how others feel is very important to me…it’s not only his wife to think of. Her tensions will ripple through the community and effect the fun of others. I want to be the source of peace and fun…not the source of tension. I can’t avoid causing some. My existence causes it where his wife is concerned…but I can choose to avoid stirring the pot.

I will likely do what I always do and put the community first, but it will feel as frustrating to me as other events have become…where the whole situation is strained and just really not all that much fun. It has been leaving me questioning why I’m participating. Watching is simply not the fun I once experienced. I want to be actively playing now. I want to find out what that’s like. It’s one of the few frontiers of the scene that I’ve not covered fully that interests me.

I guess I don’t need to go with any expectations, nor do I need to have this fantasy fulfilled now or ever. It is just a fantasy. I have Remus’s primary attention and he plays avidly with me when we are alone. He gives me all the validation I could want. That I want it with this group of people is more about my self-doubt and insecurity and old hurt than it is about my relationship with him.


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