I returned with some wisdom deepened and some new language about some relatively new understandings in the past year or so. It always helps me clarify what I think I know if I can talk about it easily.
I feel as if there is a huge change in the air.
I don’t have any visionary glimmerings to share about the nature of those changes.
I do know that I no longer feel divided spiritually and emotionally between the past and the present in terms of my old relationships or my old spiritual communities. I no longer feel such a longing or so lost because I am separated from them. I feel that I said goodbye in a way. I know that I will see them again. I know they are my family. I know that I will participate in ceremony with them, but I have no desire to go back. I am enjoying my life here and am excited to build community here. What’s fabulous for me internally is that I am finally comfortable with not having a community…with not having them for a tangible every day community…and I am comfortable finally with not having many close friends. This peacefulness is a good place to begin building what I truly want to share in through the years to come.
Blogging is one of those things which I make frequent shifts about. I enjoy it always. I sometimes don’t want to blog publicly. Sometimes I want to blog very publicly but also anonymously. Sometimes I want to blog under my real name. Sometimes I want to write about spirituality, other times about sex and relationships. Often both. I came away from my fire gazing with the understanding that I want to continue this journey with Nymphadora and Remus indefinitely as a writer. It serves a need. I realized what the three primary needs are this past week. First is I’m a bit of an exhibitionist. I think that’s true of any sex blogger. I seriously enjoy letting others peek into my sex life. It makes me juicy. Second is writing is a way of confiding. This blog acts as the mouthpiece for telling those I value and care for what’s on my mind. Third, it continues to serve as a form of foreplay for Remus and I. It’s an important factor in our relationship because while I am very much an intellectual about sex (I get off on thinking about it, talking about it…it makes what I share more juicy) Remus isn’t. He thinks about things only as he’s doing them…unless there’s a puzzle or a problem to work out, he doesn’t give anything that isn’t right in front of him much contemplation. It is what makes such a calm, focused, generous personality. He doesn’t worry about anything but what’s needful in the moment. I love that about him. And this is a way I can get my kink on while not troubling him much with my need for talking about sex so much.
At the moment, I still feel no deep need to write spiritually…though I do have a college project which is very much what I consider spiritual writing.
I came back without the anger and hurt I’ve felt for many months toward Remus’s wife. It feels good to be unburdened. It feels good to have a fresh perspective on things…to be able to encourage peace in the situation.
I have more clarity about my spiritual path. I have two more years to go of a spiritual commitment I made. I want to keep it and perhaps I will find by then that my path has turned toward other things…I find myself looking at the form and container with these ceremonies I speak of and thinking it is becoming too small…too full of conditions.
Taken just between me and Spirit, its infinite, unconditioned and splendid. There’s plenty of room for me there.
And yet, all that conditioned stuff that people put into it goes along with all the good stuff I just mentioned. That’s true of any community situation. It’s part of being human and part of having relationships. Perhaps when I’ve finished my commitment I’ll find it suits me to offer myself to giving unconditionally while others grow. Perhaps I’ll spend some time visiting other places with new forms to see how I grow. Time will tell.
I have the understanding that forms- as in ceremonies, religious experiences, protocols, dogmas -are useful to help me with maturing in some way…and when I’ve accomplished that growth, if there’s no more apparent lessons and I see no niche in which to give…I can move on.
That’s a rather huge shift for me.
Perhaps there’s more shifts in the winds which I haven’t recognized yet. It’s an adventure.
Before I end, I wanted to share an amusing spanking post from a fellow blogger I’ve admired for years now. Here’s a link to Dr. Ken’s post.