Over the past week, Remus and I discussed when he’d decide that his wife was “officially” no longer living here. That decision had to be made because she’d stopped moving her stuff and wasn’t making it clear when she intended to finish that job of moving. We discussed when we’d begin to take the house in hand and begin to ready it for sale. We both had a need to make that part of the house our own. Bellatrix and Remus had agreed that her final moving day, which still hasn’t been completed would be mid-June. That’s passed and so we decided that our spreading out time would begin after this past weekend. It wouldn’t happen all at once, but gradually, we will spread out into the house.
One of his concerns is that she not treat the house like a glorified storage unit, nor like a way-station when she wants to babysit, or have a party. He also wanted to establish some boundaries about what is or isn’t okay in terms of appearing here for something or having her children appear here to use something.
It is tough to make changes because people will have lot’s of emotions about it. We had talked about all this at length and discussed what would be the best approach.
She had said she wanted nothing from the living room. So that’s where we started the project of taking the house in hand. It is a touchy situation though. She had established a spot in this room for her daughter and grand-daughter to hang out whilst doing laundry and using the internet, so there are toys and such there.
We hadn’t talked in-depth about where that stuff would go, but we were trying out an over-all new furniture arrangement in the living room, when Bellatrix’s daughter stopped by and got very upset. I did the rearrangement at Remus’s request while he was at work. The plan was to live with a night or two and then decide either to put it back or leave it and decide where all that baby stuff would go.
Unfortunately, instead of calling first to see if it was convenient to come by, Bellatrix’s daughter just dropped in, as I said. Thus there was no considered discussion before the visit to hear about this over all game plan from Remus personally. She just walked in the way she usually does and got upset….and so contacted her mother in tears which started another War of the Roses. Needless to say, there was a fight picked with Remus while he was at work.
The thing to remember here is she no longer lives here…and neither does the daughter, nor the grand daughter.The younger two moved over a year ago and still have laundry and internet privileges with Remus’s welcome, but with the caveat that she call first, not just show up. Historically, this is not what she does.
The bottom line here is that the attitude of entitlement is really over-stepping boundaries. It is not appropriate, no matter what the emotions involved; no matter the history involved. As Remus said, he wouldn’t just drop into his stepdaughter’s home without calling, nor would he just walk in without knocking first, yet she feels free to do that to him.
Those emotions of hurt and upset are very real and certainly respected…but Bellatrix and her daughter don’t get to decide how things go here. They may merely influence the situation as appropriate.
As we sat talking about the new furniture arrangement last night, we realized that we like it. It’s cozy and it makes the room what we want it to be; a place to watch TV and movies. That’s the real reason we’d use the room. We like other rooms for just hanging out to talk, so we don’t need the living room to be arranged for talking; which is how it was arranged before. We’ll be slowly re-decorating the room with his mementos, with a few of mine and with some plants when we get around to it.
We also talked toys while we sat figuring out what we liked about the room…we talked about the fact that you can sit on the couch and see almost completely into the next two rooms. For a growing, busy child who will want more and more room to play very soon, that seemed ideal. We also thought that since our dining room table is much smaller than the one in the dining room now, the baby would enjoy all that new space to play, and that this would be a much better place to put toys than the living room ultimately. Since toys are meant to be a little messy, that mess would be in the dining room and not offer an untidy first impression for people looking at the house to purchase it.
It seemed a win-win plan with the changes, but we hadn’t wanted to move the toys until after we’d decided whether we even wanted to rearrange at all…We might have decided to put it all back after all. In fact, Remus’s first impression was that the change made the room look small. It wasn’t until he got in there and sat awhile that he decided he liked it despite the couch being so dominant in the room now.
So we talked toys…and decided we don’t want to move the toys into the dining room yet, because his wife is not finished with moving her belongings out of that room. We didn’t want to create the impression for her daughter that we didn’t want her stuff there and was dumping that stuff into the room to be emptied. That’s why most of the toys are still in the living room in the same spot they were before. Only the very big toys had been moved…so that I could sweep more easily. That was the situation Bellatrix’s daughter walked in, got upset over and what Bellatrix was screaming at Remus about. That the whole situation was cast in the worst possible light is a factor of filtering it though jealousy and hurt and/or the assumption of rejection…and none of that would have happened had people just called first or had they asked about the situation. The step daughter could have easily have asked Remus if this change meant she was intruding now. Instead she just reported to her mother and let chaos ensue….And Remus’s wife’s behavior? Well, instead of asking questions and then listening, there was only attacking and threat making. As usual. It’s a real eye roller and par for the course with all of them in recent months. The jealous anger attacks are really getting old.
At this point I seriously dislike her and I do everything I can to avoid being in the same room with her. Claiming this house from her hateful energy will be a pleasure for me at this point…It is getting harder and harder to be kind about her emotions or her needs. She is a lot of work. A whole lot of work.