I’m struggling with this dislike I feel for Remus’s wife. I am struggling, not because I feel I “should” like her. I’m struggling because I see that my feelings are becoming strong enough that they are starting to show in my face and in my body language.
Most people would say,” So what? Why should you act like you like her?”
I don’t think I “should” act like I like her. I do think that I should behave in ways that don’t make others uncomfortable.
I just want to feel utterly neutral toward her. I don’t though. I feel hurt and angry at how she’s behaved toward me. I don’t like carrying around that emotion. I don’t like that her presence makes the emotions bubble up in obvious ways. I don’t like how easily pricked I feel just because she exists.
Her hostility is contagious and toxic. I feel poisoned by it…and I feel sad at my response to it. That’s what the issue is for me. It is a burden. It is one I’m tired of carrying…and I’m tired of the impact it has on me. It triggers old hurts and fears about trusting women.