Not every day.
Not all the time.
Not even necessarily at all…
I just need freedom to follow my heart if meditation and ceremony calls to me…or even the need to dream without him feeling hurt that I’ve abandoned my place with him.
Each year, I participate in some very important spiritual experiences. This affects how I think. This effects me emotionally. The influence of these spiritual experiences often means that I need to go with the flow, to be fluid about my day and focus. That can mean that he feels I’ve failed him if I change my mind about something or am just not doing what I said I’d do when I said I’d do it. It can mean he feels I’m being a pain in the ass when I’m overly focused on something and not him…or that I’m a pain in the ass when I’m unusually moody or unusually assertive about something. Some of those are triggers for irritating and hurt for him, so it seemed important to discuss the concerns with him. I have felt concerned about feeling the need to let go of quite so much structure in favor of following my inner guidance and how he’ll feel.
I think we both feel just a little unsure about what that means really, to be fluid about submission…or not….
But I have no intention of giving up my submission to him. I just need understanding and patience from him…
So to encourage him and because I felt silly, I put on my apron for serving him lunch today.
He was smiling about it…
And that made my day.