Remus and I live on the second floor. For just a little while longer his wife lives on the first floor (though she is mostly gone from here nearly all the time again now). I spent just a few minutes today loading the dishwasher on the first floor. It is sad down here- full of lingering anger and depression. It’s unsettling. It’s untidy with the detritus of moving and remodelling.
As her belongings leave, the house almost feels as if it is coming into emotional order. It is certainly finding a more natural neatness. Its definitely feeling like its shifted into a state of waiting.
I look at the house and while it’s still got the skeleton of a home enclosed in these first floor walls…it is missing the heart and it feels like it’s warmth is gone.
There’s a part of me which wishes to create a warmth and softness there again to ease Remus’s heart. It is something I do naturally…something that people notice right away. Even if they don’t care for the things I drape around the house, they feel comforted and cozy in my spaces.
Yet it feels to me that ease, warmth and softness doesn’t belong down there yet…and not just because she’s not finished moving. It feels like it wouldn’t be time yet even if all her things were gone right now.
Things need spaciousness and time to heal…they need the truth of it to linger as is because it helps us with our process of change. Things need time to rest. It’s been pretty exhausting to go through this dissolution. In fact, both of us simply sleep when she’s around or been around. We’re tired from the tensions of her presence…So time…Time seems what’s needed.
Nevertheless, I can’t help but think about bringing that warmth which is my talent to this home so that others can feel and envision it’s comforts as a good home for their own family…so they’ll want to live here. It is a really good home and I like to think about who might live here when I help Remus with projects here. I think about the good times that have been shared here and others that will be shared in future and I hope that warmth and light will roost here again very soon.
It exists up here in these few rooms. I think that’s why Remus stays up here, avoiding the rest of the house as much as he can…he gravitates toward the warmth I’ve created in this space.
Knowing that feels like an affirmation of who I am and how much Remus feels at ease with me.
That makes me smile.