This has been a difficult road of late. If you’ve been with us on this journey so far, you know that there’s been strife and that now Remus is mulling whether to continue his relationship with Bellatrix. Sadly I have watched Remus discover he’s unhappy in his marriage. More recently, I have watched Remus find the courage and strength to face Bellatrix about many of her behaviors, which he ignored for some reasons I only learned the foundation of recently.
When he was a young man, he did a foolish thing. A thing he regrets a great deal and that’s to have an affair when he was married to his children’s mother. He’s carried great guilt about it. I have no idea if this pain and guilt is something that Bellatrix consciously takes advantage of, but it is certainly true, that it has effected Remus’s self-esteem. It appears that the result of this is that he’s not had a purely positive relationship for most of his adult life…and having one with me has been healing for him. He says it’s eye-opening. In the light of our relationship and watching Bellatrix spend the coin of her good qualities elsewhere, while all he got was the shitty stuff…Well…it’s been painful to him, but enlightening too. He’s been full of questions and hurt and anger as a result. He admitted to me that he’s been wondering: Is Bellatrix right that he’s a lousy cheating husband? Is it true that he betrayed her when she vetoed me as his choice of me as he agreed to abide by, instead of dating a woman half his age that she actually approved of? Was it ever right that she should make his choices in a poly relationship? Is Bellatrix right that he’s thinking with his cock? Is he really being hoodwinked by me?
Such questions seemed healthy to me. I was glad he was asking them. I asked him then what his answers were. He felt that her viewpoints weren’t proper or true. I was happy he was making his own choices, instead of letting anyone dictate to him what his version of truth ought to be. I was proud of him.
He still seemed pensive though, so I asked him what else he was thinking. He admitted something that made me feel sad. He was wondering: Should their relationship be sustained, given her seemingly determined vilifying attitude toward him that seems to manifest on so many levels? Does he want her in his life any more given how hateful she can be? Can he forgive her for being abusive during their marriage? Will she change? What about the effects on our children that splitting will have? There will be one even if they are grown.
And then the scariest of all: What’s the cost of divorcing her in terms of his retirement?
I have watched him contemplating such questions for many months now. In fact, he’s been a bit withdrawn and I’ve been sad for him and very scared that I’ve contributed to the break up of a marriage. I’ve tried to act with integrity and have constantly said or done or encouraged him to sort things out with her and to be understanding of her feelings even when she was hurting his feelings or was pissing him off. There was a few times when I helped smooth things for them because of this. He’s been in so much pain and turmoil about it. He is just like me and wears a stoic façade, but he’s not stoic on the inside. He doesn’t give much time and attention to emotions. He’s a very in-the-moment person, so he shrugs off worry and whatnot. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t have feelings or isn’t pondering situations in his life. My heart has been sad for him and for her these past months. I remember when I had to consider such questions about my former marriage partner, as you all know. I’m aware of how difficult it is.
I’m proud of him. I’m proud that he’s standing up for himself and I’m proud that he’s facing hard truths without shrinking…and I’m proud he’s trying to do things in a kind, loving way. I’m very lucky and happy that we’re in a relationship. He feels like a present and Santa all wrapped into one to me.