I’m still learning to be gentle. I’m often not. I am frequently too blunt. I’m frequently wanting to make a point at the expense of gentleness or perhaps even the expense of precision. Precision is about all inclusive viewpoint and applying wisdom to precisely name the Truth. To precisely explain it. To help someone see all of the points, not only their own. It is not to negate any other person’s point.
Certainly when I wrote about anger yesterday, I did not intend to negate whatever Bellatrix’s viewpoint is. She is right to be hurt. Remus made mistakes in how he handled things. He has learned from those mistakes because he’s learned to view things from a wider perspective.
I’ve made mistakes too and I’ve made sure that I learned to view things from a wider perspective, to try to grow from this situation, to try to learn to communicate with women better than I knew to do when I moved in here. Nevertheless, there’s anger simmering in me. I am hurt and angry that this person has vilified me in her heart…that each day she wakes up she thinks to herself that I’m a terrible person; that she goes to sleep each day and thinks I’m a terrible person…That she makes sure that everyone she knows is sure that she thinks I’m a terrible person who has preyed on her marriage.
That is a hard thing to accept seeing anyone do.
It has hurt me deeply. I’m angry about it. I know that I have done nothing now or in the past to be so disdained and disliked.I know that I have not preyed on their marriage. I do not wake and fall asleep thinking she’s an ass. I do frequently think in moments of anger that she is foolish, that she’s been shortsighted, that she’s been hateful. Occasionally, I do think that she’s being an idiot…
And then I stop myself…because that is fanning the flames…and making things toxic. I pull back to focus on those things that help me be compassionate.
I spoke yesterday of how my meditation practice taught me to let go. I didn’t talk about how it teaches me to be gentle. I didn’t talk about that, because I am still learning how to do that. It is easy for me to be gentle when I feel no need to be defensive at all. When I feel defensive, then I struggle.
I have not felt I could relax with Bellatrix. If anything, I feel afraid most of the time I’m around her. I hide that with an aloof composure, but it is the basis of how I feel in her presence. As a result I’ve struggled to be gentle with her the few times I’ve actually spoken frankly with her about things with her and Remus. I was harsh and sharp quite frankly. I have spent time regretting that the last few months. I’m all done picking on myself about it though.
I’m not writing about it to pick on myself now either. I am writing about this because it is important to befriend myself and give attention to my feelings….and because I feel I should say aloud that I’ve been hurtful with her at times. Owning that is important. Not only that, but I wanted to speak about what makes me feel gentle so that I can be more conscious of it and use my resources and abilities more effectively.
I feel gentle when I see how beautiful the land is. All that color…all those shapes…it is so beautiful. Beauty makes me feel gentle. Sleeping on the ground makes me feeling incredibly gentle. I love that. It makes me feeling so deeply happy.
Meditation makes me feel very gentle. It helps me to see the big picture, to relax, to drop any defensiveness I may feel. It clarifies my thinking. It makes me smile and feel freed.
Making love to Remus leaves me feeling soft, open and vulnerable. Sleeping beside him does too. Listening to him breathe. Watching him doing things.Just his presence makes me feel happy.
Watching the sunrise and sunset puts me in touch with the fact that life goes on and some things are constant, like the sun comes up and goes down without fail. I love that. I love to watch light…whether it’s rainbows on the wall from prisms, patterns of light from a lamp on the ceiling or how light touches the trees or raindrops…I love this. I feel as if there’s something holy radiating in it. I feel warmed by it.
I still don’t know how to embody gentleness though. I don’t know how to make it be the natural way I speak, even when I feel nervous or self-conscious or self-doubting. I didn’t grow up with gentle people. I grew up with blunt people who often hurt me with their words. I grew even more blunt myself during my recent marriage…because my former husband didn’t understand anything but blunt. It just went in one ear and out the other. Bluntness is not gentle though.
I want to develop that gentleness in me. I have learned that the way to develop these three things is to do meditation. I guess I’ll keep working on it…keep contemplating these things…