Human beings respond in anger when their feelings are hurt. In our anger, we tend to push people away, ignore them, say hateful things we can’t grasp out of the air and take back…In this blaming, hateful anger, we often assume anything that happens after the hurtful moment is further hurtful activity, further proof that someone is a jerk, an ass, a bitch. The moment of hurt imbues our whole life with hues of pain and the toxins of rage… In face, everything starts to be filtered by that hurt we feel. Even though we’re the ones generating all the ugliness, we keep blaming others. We keep responding with anger, keep trying to prove we are right to be angry, keep trying to make the other person wrong, keep trying to make someone else make it safe again. We keep trying to get someone to prove they love us, to prove they are trust worthy. We want them to do what we think it takes to feel us safe, even if that thing we want is unreasonable, unfair or unworkable for someone else. We blame others for our misery, we think that makes that person ugly, unworthy, even disgusting. We reject whatever they say as more betrayal if we don’t get what we want to feel safe. We might go along for awhile, giving lip service to compromise, but unless we’ve really got vulnerable emotionally and tried with our hearts open, it’s still just lip service. It’s still just polite meaningless platitudes while we look for more proof someone else is wrong. Or we might kick and scream and complain loudly to others. We might roll around in a mire of misery leaving the atmosphere around us tainted with sullenness and depression. We might leave and expect that when we come back someone will feel more reasonable and will do what we want…and then we’re outraged that this abandonment isn’t getting the response we want. We assume that when we don’t get our way, this means we aren’t really loved and the betrayal we’re screeching about, runs even deeper and the cycle gets uglier…
That sounds painfully obstructive to what most of us really want when our feelings are hurt doesn’t it?It sounds toxic to me…
It is not what I want for certain. I don’t want to feel all that. I used to and so I decided to discover a better way. I learned that I needed to start with my real needs.
We want comfort. We want our bond renewed and affirmed. We want closeness. We want to feel sure of that love others feel for us. We want the hurt to be soothed away. We want to trust it won’t happen again. We want to bask in the light of that love we feel and the love others feels.
It is interesting that the paragraph to describe hurt and anger is far longer than the one needed to describe what our hearts need and what we’d like to receive.
A couple years ago, I realized that all those things I listed regarding our needs absent the anger is something that only I can give myself. If I don’t/can’t comfort myself, no one else really can. I might feel better or distracted for a bit, but as soon as my comforter leaves, I’m miserable and afraid again. True comfort comes from within. If I can’t renew or affirm a bond inside myself whether or not anyone else feels for me the way I want them to, how is anyone else going to reassure me they love me? If I cannot befriend myself, love myself, give myself time, attention and the protection of good boundaries, how will I feel safe with anyone else anyway? If I betray myself by initiating, or condoning or accepting things that bring me discomfort or deep unhappiness, how can I be upset if someone else doesn’t do something to support my happiness either? They are doing what they desire or feel happy about after all. And if I am not supporting my own happiness with all my actions, is it really me or someone else betraying me? We show others how to treat us. If we want to trust, we have to begin with being trustworthy to ourselves. Is it someone else who betrays us if we go along with another’s desire that we don’t want or is the betrayal really ours? I’d say it’s our own first and foremost. And it is always important to remember that people don’t have to do what we want always to be loved. We can be loved and not get what we want from someone at all. Love and getting what we want are not intertwined naturally. We unnaturally force these two things together with our fears. It is not loving to be so conditional about how we love others. We don’t need others to be present or do what we want to enjoy our feelings of love. Love is not a commodity. It is inside us. Loving is something that comes from inside us. That we find it reflected in others is a factor of what’s inside us…not a factor of others being who we want them to be or doing what we’d like.
Anger and trying to control love is a waste of energy.In general, it kills love.
Much better to keep the focus on self loving, on being trustworthy to oneself, on being one’s own best friend. Love naturally follows then. Better to seek the light inside oneself and make it grow. Better to grow it to the point that it expands beyond the confines of one’s skin and gives warmth to whomever you happen upon. Better to let others love you. There’s no bit after that period in that last sentence….there isn’t more to it than that because more becomes conditional if you see what I mean.
Better to look at moments when the reflection of love from others is absent or the magnetism of loving is not…quite…resonating and let it go…let someone or something else take it’s place. Grasping on to something isn’t going to make it respond anyway. And by grasping so hard, we prevent love from taking up the space left by what we’ve let go…and it may very well be the very thing or person we’d wanted all along. Letting love be whatever it is in any given moment and letting go with grace is an incredibly loving way to be.
Definitely not a waste of energy.
It is not easy to do this.
In fact, it is the hardest thing in life to do.
It is worthy of the effort though because there’s such peace and happiness in this way of being.
I wish I could help this person understand this. I wish I could help this person be free of this toxic anger…to embrace her own light.
Light has been on my mind today. I was thinking about how many times in my life, I got distracted by some desire…some thing that I thought was more important than being comfortable…because facing fears of insecurity or hurt feelings is very uncomfortable. It is easier to blame and be angry than to just be with fear and hurt or insecurity. I’ve chosen to seek security in my life many times instead of letting myself be uncomfortable. The consequences of that avoidance were usually quite painful. For instance the last three people I was quite enamored with before my relationship with Remus were all an effort to find some emotional security. I grasped at the relationships. I tried not to, but I did grasp. With each of these three relationships, I did less and less grasping and finally I chose to just focus on loving myself better. I became celibate and I focused on loving myself for several months. I worked and meditated and faced myself, my discomfort and my fears. I changed as a result. I understood this stuff about loving finally. Now my work is putting it into practice. Sometimes I do falter, but I am becoming accomplished.
In this relationship with Remus, I often feel weak and small…Relationship is all about being open hearted, vulnerable and open handed after all. There’s innately insecurity in loving…yet I always find my self love and my inner strength. I don’t look for it in Remus. I often respond in fear and anger at first….but I always find my bravery to be vulnerable, and my willingness to be hurt or afraid without being angry. I keep finding my compassion and acting from this viewpoint. I don’t look for Remus or anyone else to fill me up.
I still struggle with self doubt. I still struggle with a desire for people to like me…but I keep reminding myself that “Even as a solid rock is unshaken by the wind, so are the wise unshaken by praise or blame.” It is my job to trust myself, to like myself first and foremost. It is my job to be compassionate and kind and to grow. It is my job to not let my mind beat me up about anything and to act with compassion and to make corrections immediately when I don’t. Getting approval and my sense of self worth from others is non-productive. So I keep striving to get it from myself, and I keep this quote close by me to help me me remember to love myself and to not let her behavior tell me who I am when this peripheral person blames me or blackens my reputation. I remind myself that I’m not who she thinks I am…that I am not to blame that she’s burned her relationship with Remus to the ground…I am merely the witness to this situation…
Sometimes polyamory is painful and difficult. It requires that people understand the principles of what I just shared about love in order to be healthy and constructive. So does monogamy though. When someone isn’t able to respond to their lives from a place of self love and self trust, there’s going to be trouble. There will always be trouble sooner or later. Polyamory or monogamy have nothing to do with it…there’s just more to gossip about with polyamory.