I didn’t feel well yesterday. I was also really cranky. I felt really opened and vulnerable too, both emotionally and intellectually and that left me easily hurt. I’ve been carrying around a great deal of hurt for the past year and I’ve been in a situation that keeps pricking at the hurt. I was in it briefly again yesterday…and so I got cranky. There’s been a feeling of conflict for me internally for months now. If I move, I hurt Remus. If I don’t move, I perpetuate hurt in another person. It won’t help or change the situation for her, but it would make her feel better that she got her way. Then there’s the ethical sense that I should comply with her wishes…and how that conflicts with my own heart’s need, desire and happiness.
It is a very uncomfortable emotional situation.So far, I have resolved it by simply complying with Love…and by being as kind as I can be as unfailingly as I can. Yesterday I fell off the wagon with that effort…
Some of my turmoil yesterday was driven by hormones.
Needless to say, I got mad at Remus over some little thing and spoke sharply to him. I even got mad enough to threaten to leave.
I felt about two inches tall. I really hurt his feelings.
He told me that he understood my feelings of frustration and hurt very much…I appreciated that very much, but it doesn’t make it okay to shake his trust in me and hurt his heart like that. He needs to feel safe with me emotionally.
I realized that I wasn’t taking good care of myself emotionally by doing yoga and meditating. This really helps me to feel centered. This helps me to let things go, to see things more clearly, to not take things personally…and many other good internal boundary type stuff like being cheerful.
So…Despite having little sleep last night, I got up, fixed him breakfast and then sat to meditate. When I did, I wrote three spontaneous poems. They aren’t titled and they aren’t going to make me a famous poet or anything, but I wanted to share them here:
Fluffy lavender clouds, brown lacy branches
Robins singing, “Good morning Love!”
Gives limits to sorrow.
With the sadness
Become the saffron of gladness.
The right to be wrong
Sweeps the mind
Of the right to be right.
I realize that this situation is a helpful one for me. It is giving me a chance to heal about many things…about jealousy of others, about being solidly sure of my own self worth and ethics, about staying focused and compassionate…among other things. If I stay focused and share the merit of this practice, I will let go of piles of karmic detritus that lingers in the cells of my body and in my heart. I will be far freer…and so will others. It is not an easy thing to do to witness another’s hurt and be present for it and how it makes me feel.
Still…that’s the task at hand and it is also my job to stay centered enough to be loving to myself and to others.
“Even as a solid rock is unshaken by the wind, so are the wise unshaken by praise or blame.” The Dhammapada