Instead of a date night, Remus and I had a date weekend. It didn’t get planned that way, it just unfolded that way. On Friday night I came home exhausted. I started a pizza in the oven and Remus finished it and afterward he went and got us some ice cream. We both fell asleep early. We didn’t wake all night I don’t think. We woke early too. We laid in bed and read the paper and had some lazy yummy sex. We had French Toast and sausages for breakfast. We seem to have our big breakfast on Saturdays most of the time instead of Sundays.
Saturday was a busy day for us both…thought it was slow paced too. I had some work to do here at my desk. I got it all done over the course of the day and then took a nap. Remus did some errands all afternoon. He was quite busy too, stopping in to hug me when he had the chance. He got back late and was quite tired. We watched a movie. It was the American version of Girl with a Dragon Tattoo from Netflix. I liked it. I didn’t think it was better than the European version though. Just differently paced and with a slightly different emphasis on how details were presented. Remus thought the European version is easier to follow. I thought the American one was…not in terms of the mystery involved, but in terms of the relationships. In the European version, the motivations of the character’s emotions and the resulting decisions aren’t as clear cut, while the mystery clues are very much so. Just different emphasis. I think Europeans enjoy emotional ambiguity, whereas Americans dislike it. In any case, we’d rested long enough by the time it was over that we were both ready to indulge in some passion. It was quick, aggressive and really inspired my submissiveness. I went to sleep very happy and slept better than I did all last week.
Yesterday morning, we read the Sunday paper lazily together, lingering a long while snuggling. We had this good talk about how to deal with him not wanting to talk about feelings so much or focus on them much…and my need to not let feelings of disinterest or boredom linger and take root…We ended up agreeing that either of us could say we were bored or needy and that would not be considered a criticism but a request to figure out how to deal with it and keep our connection strong. We finally got round to some more fucking. We were supposed to be getting up to be at our Sunday morning meditation, but it was fun to fuck instead. We had hard intense yummy sex and then rushed around getting some quick breakfast and showers before going out the door for our meditation….which was wonderful. Afterward, relaxed and happy we went out to lunch. It was a very yummy lunch that called for a long, lazy Sunday nap. When we finally got round to having our grilled steaks and pasta dish it was later in the evening. We cleaned up and then Remus surprised me by getting out the rope. He had me tied to the bed soon afterward and got out the toys. I had flogging, caning, knife play and lot’s of spanking. There was cuddling and kissing in there too. He tried to make it really fun for me. It was very, very fun. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. He’s the most peaceful, mature, ethical, kind man I’ve ever known. He’s also the best lover and dominant I’ve ever had. We agreed that it was a truly lovely weekend together.
Yanno…I have always had stressful relationships. Some more so than others. There’s always been demands that I had to find ways to deal with. There’s always been situations and dynamics in my relationships that kept my emotions running at least frequently, if not constantly. It was work to try to keep my relationship strong despite these situations/dynamics. It was a struggle…difficult. Lot’s of times the cost-benefit ratio was usual just not healthy for me.
We like to think that there’s no cost-benefit to our relationships…but there is. When the costs consistently out weigh the benefits, we start thinking about moving on. I am very, very loyal. Loyal to a fault really. Loyal to my detriment. But I am learning that sticking with a relationship, while important and crucial to my integrity and to having a healthy relationship that can withstand bumps in the road of life…it is important to not allow my relationships to create deep unhappiness in me. I give up now when it is apparent that the cost/benefit ratio is not going to result in happiness and is actually creating unhappiness.
With Remus, what we share is not stressful. It is so peaceful that I think most people would find it dull from the outside looking in. We actually enjoy companionable silences. We don’t need lot’s to do to feel occupied and entertained. We are innately content people. We get our excitement from our connection and from how we express it together…not from the turmoil that life holds. Not from creating turmoil between us…nor from constant social engagements or from constant demands on our time and energy from careers or projects that we’ve prioritized to outweigh each other or our health.
It is such a change of pace for me. I’m not sure what to do with it sometimes…but I’m really loving it.