Life here continues to feel more peaceful…however Bellatrix has not been home for a few days. We’ll see how things go when she arrives. Remus thinks that she’s chilled out because she found out that I didn’t betray house privacy to anyone beyond my very close friends. I had a conversation with the third party which Bellatrix thought I’d gossiped to and told that person that her remarks set off further bombs in our household and that I wish she would be more careful in future. She responded by saying that she would speak to the person who had spoken to her directly at the next opportunity she had. Remus thinks that was the reason she’s cooled off and decided not to be so combative…however, the damage is done. I’ve lost some friendships as a result of her behavior. Her attitude toward me from the start has been unnecessarily influenced by others. It could have been very different. The upshot to it all is that I’ve learned what immature friends I had after all. Nevertheless I’m rather sad about it.
I am however, very grateful for the more peaceful household.
Remus and I are enjoying our relationship. I am enjoying living here again now that Bellatrix’s huge, overwhelming hostility is not poisoning things. So is Remus.
He is still trying to figure out his feelings about things. He is still waffling at times. Last night I asked him if he was going to get a divorce. He said yes if Bellatrix’s attitude didn’t change, because he was contented before things blew up. Unlike her fictional namesake, she’s is a good person and has good qualities.
I am clear though that I am not going to live with Bellatrix indefinitely. I just don’t like her or I trust her enough to want to build a life with her in my living space. I have been unwavering in that message to Remus. It was that way in the beginning and it’s that way now. It has little to do with how she’s behaved. Her lifestyle, habits and personality is incompatible with the lifestyle I want to live. It’s that simple for me and its that judgeless. It always has been. I can choose to ignore it in the short term since I want to live comfortably and affordably while I’m in school so I have to make some compromises. Living with Bellatrix personality is one compromise I chose to make. Normally, I would have tried to pick someone else and did choose another place to live before she insisted that she’d like us to try living together. Bellatrix was almost always gone. It has seemed do-able therefore. However, she’s not who I want to be living with a few years from now. I’d feel that way about any roommate. Whether she’s a good extended poly family is a whole other factor in this.
At this point, there’s so much water until the bridge, I am not sure I can live in close quarters with her and feel safe and relaxed; that I could wash things clean and move forward as if it never happened. And that’s to assume that she’d completely reinvent her opinions of me and go to the community and announce she was wrong about me all along.
If Remus and I continue, and he and Bellatrix continue, I will move out at some point. I will also open the door to another life partner if this comes to pass. I want a nesting partner in my life, not just to be an additional partner and otherwise alone. I am happy with being his additional partner for life…but I would want my own primary partner too. It’s that simple for me.
Anyway, I understand his wavering emotions in all this. I really, really do. It is very difficult to let go of someone you love and have built a family and a life with. It should never be something to easily give up and I am certainly not expecting him to. I keep asking him why can’t they work it out and I am giving him all the space and support he needs to focus on my own life and goals. In the mean time I’m celebrating our love enthusiastically…