One of the most difficult things about submission is delaying gratification. It is the most selfless and loving actions I take as a submissive. It is the thing which makes submission feel tangible and important. That is to say, giving to Remus unconditionally in pure love, without any expectations of my own satisfaction is sacred to me. I believe that relationship is not 50/50. I think it is 100%/100%…and sometimes life challenges and calls for above and beyond that. Still…sometimes my needs go awhile without being sated fully. Perhaps I don’t feel well for awhile, so Remus doesn’t push me physically about rewards. Sometimes there’s simply not enough time or privacy or sleep to focus on rewarding me with play or orgasms. In the mean time, I tend to him faithfully. I cook, clean, tidy, help him, massage him, cuddle him, listen to and talk to him, I fuck him any time he needs or wants me to…and I suck him. I prepare lunch for him each day I’m home…I do countless things for him.
He is just as selfless with me in other ways. He shares his vehicle with me. He often buys more gas than I do. He sometimes buys more than half the food. He certainly is usually the one who takes us out for the evening. He treats me frequently to workshops on bdsm and often pays for most of the expenses when we travel together. He’s faithful about watching over me. He’s always making sure I get enough rest, that I eat right and keep deadlines faithfully for work. He’ll frequently do without a fun thing in order to support my deadlines, or he’ll tell me I’m not getting the fun thing if I don’t complete my deadlines. He monitors my spending loosely. He advises me about lot’s of things because I value his opinions. He is very attentive to me sexually. Even though, he enjoys my sexual slavery, he is mostly aroused by my orgasms, so orgasms are a natural part of our erotic interludes. The kind he rewards me with are the kind that sate me and make me squirt. These kinds through sexual intercourse are satisfying too, but they don’t leave me sated physically. I’m very sated emotionally though. Remus affirms me. He enjoys my company. He is a quiet man who is very good at being a friend. He protects me physically and emotionally. He plays with me and makes me laugh. He’s a good friend. I think that’s the best thing about him. He loves rewarding me too. He makes a game out of it and makes it fun.
What’s hard about delaying my gratification, isn’t not getting what I want…it is feeling the pressure build in me and feeling it pressuring me to seek more from him than usual…or to feel irritable or demanding inside emotionally about getting more from him. It is an uncomfortable feeling. Not because it isn’t submissive. Submissive hasn’t much to do with it. I simply don’t want to feel demanding of someone I love. Sometimes my hormones, my life experiences just leave me feeling more in need than other times. It makes me feel uncomfortable with my sex drive.
Today is one of those days. I want to feel his fingers and knife all over my skin…to feel his mouth all over my skin. I want to feel him put a heavy leather collar on my neck and watch him lock me by a leash to the bed. I want to be tied up and fucked. For a really long time. I want to feel him inside me taking his time, drawing every single orgasm out of me and when I’m clearly exhausted, to give me rewards until I beg him to stop…until I’m so bruised, swollen and sore inside that I beg him to stop. I want to feel the flogger on my skin. I want to feel his cock deep inside my throat, making it feel sore and stretched. I want to hear him call me his baby girl…to hear him demand I call him Sir, to hear him use my cum command, to hear him tell me he owns me, to demand that I suck him, to tell me I’m his fuck hole and he loves me…I want to feel his hands spanking me hard, to feel his mouth suckling at my nipples a long, long time. I want us to fall asleep for a nap and wake up again to him hard and demanding to use me. I want to watch him using me, to feel owned and opened…I want…
That’s the thing…I want.
It is a yearning.
It’s a yearning that’s getting so big that I feel aggressive and I want to beat someone.
It’s a yearning that’s getting so big that I want my own slave. I want someone to sate me…to be mine to use…to get my a hot watch cloth to bath my swollen sated genitals after I lay resting from great sex…
When we have plenty of time for mutuality in this power exchange I tend to not think much about being a dominant myself other than to wish for another slave to share with him sometimes.
But when I start wanting…then I start wanting…and that makes me fear feelings I used to feel. I used to feel like a gaping hole looking for something to fill it. Emotionally, spiritually, erotically.
I like it when Remus treats me like a gaping hole erotically…but I don’t want to feel like that emotionally. This yearning for being the dominant sometimes reminds me of those old feelings.
In years past, I find that winter time and spring are more the times when I feel the pressure to be dominant myself. This winter, I had few yearnings for it. Those I’ve had were easily satisfied by beating someone at a kink event. I had no need for intimacies or for relationship associated with it like I once had. I have desired emotional closeness with a woman. I’ve desired erotic experience with a woman. Not to get filled up though.
I love being Remus’s. I like that no one else can touch me without his permission. It doesn’t bother me that this includes the dominance in me. So when I start wanting like this, I feel…uncomfortable. Out of step with my heart and my balance.