I have been thinking incredibly deeply about the situation between Remus, Bellatrix and myself. I wrote many versions of this post behind the scenes. It is really how I’ve felt all along. I did not say that I have felt myself ceasing to like her. Sometimes I feel angry toward her, but I don’t actively dislike her. I’ve thought that would form a few times, but I keep bringing myself back to the microscopic truth of the situation…which is what I posted…plain and simple.
That means it’s time to burn the last post. Thankfully.
As for what’s new around here?
I’ve located an apartment I can afford. It is just around the corner from here. It is a complex that is a mix of regular and low-income housing. The application process is therefore complicated and time consuming. I’m looking online at opportunities in the mean time too because if I move to this local housing, I’ll be locked into a lease for a year. I may be able to get a place without those commitments.
Remus continues to feel strongly that he wants a divorce. I keep asking him if he’s sure he can’t work things out.When he’s really angry, I get a succinct no. When he’s feeling more compassionate toward Bellatrix, he says he doesn’t think so…that a whole lot would have to change first. I will stop asking when there ceases to be a waver in his answers or when he’s signed the papers…I just believe it is my job to get him to question his decisions because this is such an important decision and it will effect the lives of their children and grandchildren, not just themselves.
The answer he’s offered has been pretty consistent in the last month…however, she has stopped fighting him. She asked him to talk last night. When he went to see what she wanted, she simply informed him that she’d no longer push to stay married nor for me to move. She also informed him of her plans to be gone this weekend, but home pretty much full time after this. She’s said that before…and then has not done so in fact. I don’t know how things will be if she’s actually home full time.Remus remarked that while she said she wouldn’t fight him at all any more, it didn’t mean she’d become pleasant toward me again.
The only good thing about this change of heart/approach is that I don’t feel there’s a great energetic knife pointed at me and continuously stabbing me with hatred and blame.
Last night I slept deeply and long with her in the house for the first time since last fall.
I literally slept most of 13 hours. It’s been wearing me out dealing with this emotional climate. That is why I still intend to find another place to be. I’d like the peace of my own place…and the independence of it. I haven’t lived alone since I was in my mid-twenties.
I’d like Remus to have the emotional space to figure out what he truly wants…Perhaps it’s to live alone…perhaps it’s to retire and travel alone. Perhaps it’s to live with me and build a life. Perhaps he’ll stay with his wife if she changes these behaviors and attitudes he finds so unacceptable.
I don’t think he really knows in the deep places he lives. He’s on the cusp of deep change. I told him that I wanted to give him the space to figure that out…that it’s important to his happiness.
In the mean time, it feels more peaceful here.