We talk sometimes about what’s next for us. As in, will we be monogamous together or polyamorous…? We don’t know for sure. We each have leanings in that direction. Both of us are scared, because of past experiences, to contemplate it much right now…and right now isn’t really the right time to act on it anyway. We still talk about it occasionally though. Most often it is because of sexual arousal and shared fantasy. Almost always that’s at my instigation.

Remus is not eager to share me. In my heart, when I’m thinking about loving a woman myself, then I am eager to share Remus. Otherwise, I’m not eager to share him either. I want to share a woman with him simply because I need to love a woman very deeply and to be intimate with her. I don’t want to leave Remus out of those important moments in my life. I want to please him too. I know that making love to two women would be wonderful for him.

I fear that we’ll end up other seriously disliking Remus’s other partner. Eventually I lost the other relationship I had in similar situations. That’s been my experience twice now. I suppose it’s natural that I fear that.

I often think that if we embark on such an adventure that our best bet is to agree that either a potential partner/playmate gets us together or not at all…If we stuck to that, we might not become intimate very often, but when we did, it would be mutually loving. I am sure that with the right people, there could be incredibly rare exceptions which are earned over a long period of time. I often think that if we just play with people platonically for a long while, we’ll know for sure if that person is right for us to have a deeper relationship with. Remus and I started as platonic friends. We slowly built trust and love. Our relationship is very strong and stable as a result.

I do not feel ready to contemplate either of us having separate relationships from each other as a couple. It just doesn’t feel like the right thing for me or for us. Perhaps with time that could change…but as I said, it’s really too early to contemplate with any seriousness. It’s mostly good fodder for the rare occasions that I masturbate…and the occasions that we share our fantasies.

In any case, I had my first jealous moment last night. Remus was saying he wanted to work with someone. He would be teaching and that person would be his assistant. Normally I would assist him, but I’ve not been feeling well, so he’s looking for someone else to take my place or at least back me up. I protested that the teaching event isn’t until May and I might be better by then. I was genuinely surprised to feel so jealous. I suppose its because it’s the first time he’s expressed an interest in spending time with anyone else, but me.

Actually? I think she’s pretty too. I think she’s really nice, really kind, very friendly, very fun. I have had several very pleasant interactions with her and her husband the past couple months. She’s expressed a deep interest in polyamory. Both she and her husband have.

Something to ponder.

Remus went out of his way today to tell me he “is keeping me.” I think he wants to reassure me. That made me really smile because I want to keep him too.

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