Cock and Knife

I filled Remus in on the apartment hunting efforts. He didn’t say much, but he was very attentive and affectionate. He spoke up when I said I think I should go get the boxes and totes from the garage and begin packing. He said no. He wants me to wait until he hears out a potential option for staying here that will be discussed tomorrow night.

I’m not going to disobey him.

I did say that I thought it would be best for me given circumstances to move as soon as possible.

I did locate a place I’ll be putting in an application for. It is very close by where he lives. I suspect that there will be trouble with having Remus stay over as frequently as he’d wish to unless we apply together. For very good reasons, I am sure he’s reluctant to take legal responsibility for the shared space, but there’s definitely a lease issue for me if he’s there all the time when the space is rented merely to one person.

Last week, I had a deep sense of peace about the outcome of this point in time…that all would be well. I also had a really strong intuition when I left the house last Friday. I pulled the front door closed and I could feel a strong sense of precognition that I’d not be coming back, that pulling that door closed one final time was in the very near future. It was very strong.

And since that moment the feelings of sadness are getting bigger and stronger. I am having trouble feeling that sense of peace just now because of the sadness.

I feel responsible for the situation we are in. I feel that I should do something about it…To do so is the best amends I can make for inadvertently hurting someone’s feelings. My self esteem will stand more firmly if I do.

Remus looked very upset when I said what I did.

I will obey him today and tomorrow and wait the situation out….but I feel strongly that he needs to focus on this situation here separately from me…that I should extract myself from it.

It is better for him too. That way his loyalties are not divided, nor are his finances….I think if he can relax about both, he’ll be freer to make decisions about the relationships in his life. They will become simple and simply stated: “This is where I want to spend my time. This is who I want to be with.” No divided emotions then. Not even tiny niggling ones. For either of us.

That is an incredible pressure.

I really need to step out from under it.

Even if it means not living together.

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