Bellatrix has moderated her attitude toward me enough to offer her room to my son this weekend (he was supposed to visit and finds himself in the midst of car trouble and so isn’t). I thought that very kind. She is trying to get along right now…I am relieved. I hope the trend continues.
I remarked to Remus that I appreciated that and really wished I could thank her for it…but she’s made it clear that she doesn’t want any contact with me. So when she’s home, I don’t go down stairs and I do my dishes camping style in my tub. It is annoying and as soon as I can, I’ll be finding a way to put a hose on a faucet so that I can work around the physical space which wasn’t set up for washing dishes. It is not ideal, but it is workable.
Right now Bellatrix is gone to the Fetish Flea in RI. It is nice to use the dishwasher and to help with the coal stove so that Remus doesn’t have to do it all alone. It is nice to feel free to make noise during sex and to not worry about conflicts or walking on eggshells. Remus and I relaxed a lot after she left yesterday.
I feel odd about all this. Put in the middle…but in meditation recently, I “heard” (something that just happens sometimes; as if I’ve reached some “zone” in relationship to a responsive universe) that I “will be free” as I usually do. I have always taken this to mean that I’ll shed my attachment to some issue being a certain way. It was an encouraging sense for me and it helps me to keep meditating, but also I “heard” that “she will be free.”..meaning that she will gain freedom from her processing of these difficulties and her losses some day too. She will not go without resources and love. I was incredibly deeply, profoundly comforted by that because I have worried about her heart. It has taken a huge burden of concern and guilt from me. I have been so worried about her…and now my fears are allayed greatly.
Later in my meditation, I was pondering Remus feeling at peace and I “heard”: “He already is…” I was struck by that. I think it is true in many ways. He’s so peaceful. I’ve never known a more peaceful, content person; no one more kind or patient and compassionate…he is all these things naturally…and the wisdom he carries so effortlessly are the same attributes I find in Masters of meditation. He may not have this huge wealth of knowledge of spiritual theories, or have sutras memorized, but he knows the secrets of happiness and contentment and he embodies them completely unconsciously.
He is a wonderful man. I am a very lucky woman that he loves me. I think Bellatrix is lucky to have shared her life with him too…It is too bad that her basic discontent and insecurity has brought her to the point of poisoning her relationship with him…I am deeply sad for her about that…and I am doing my best not to allow myself to get all huffy and critical of her in response to her hostilities.