I feel afraid of jealousy…and deeply sad about Bellatrix, whom I’d have liked to have for a friend, rejecting me so completely. I am afraid of trying again; of even thinking about it. On the heels of that, I realized that stifled creatively and with just feeling relaxed and vulnerable enough for natural emotional expressions like eroticism and spontaneous expressions of laughter or gratitude..the more uncomfortable things are here with Bellatrix the more I shrink from even allowing the thoughts, let alone any feelings of hope or desire.
I don’t blame Bellatrix. She feels how she feels. It doesn’t make her wrong or bad…only opposed and hostile toward me. It is my responsibility to digest this situation and to discover more about my communication style with women, as well as, discovering routs to meet nice woman I have things on common with. It is my responsibility to not allow another disheartening experience with women to limit my ability to trust women, or desire them.
I chose this situation with my eyes wide open. I think I knew it could end up here…with me at odds with Bellatrix…with me uncertain what’s next. I truly, deeply hoped it would not though. I fell hard on her assurances that she’d participate actively in open communication and kindness.
Last night Remus looked in the paper at some ads for places to live for both of us. He thought that the ones I sent him looked a bit expensive. He wanted to know what we’d be facing if we moved out. We found a few likely sounding things and a few really good things at the outer reach of any potential budget either of us would have…and there’s still the financial issue of knowing that Bellatrix cannot afford to keep the house on her own….so he’d end up either ruining his credit because she’s not going to be able to make mortgage payments on her own, or he’d be struggling to support two households. I pointed this out to him and remarked that we’re at a place when he’s got to decide if he’s absolutely sure if he wants his marriage…because the only real solution to this financial dilemma and the emotional one of she and I needing to not share an abode is for her to move out or for me to move out. I pointed out that if he wasn’t absolutely sure that he was ready to give up his marriage that I should move out alone…but if he gave her notice to quit this house, there would likely be no going back with her.
He took some time alone last night to do some thinking…I think that’s a good thing. I’d lose respect for him if he didn’t take his marriage seriously.