I woke today to some violent dreams. I have the impression that they are recurrent. I was beating three men about the head with a log. Two were unconscious. The other one just wouldn’t pass out. I kept hitting him and finally I asked him a question. He answered. I was surprised in the dream and woke up. I can’t remember the question now…but it was something like asking him his name. He told me some emotion…
It was very disquieting.
I remember a vision I had about a decade ago about wearing three hats and the impression of a sense of myself as a man. It was an odd vision. For some reason this dream reminds me of it. I never understood the vision and this dream is just as perplexing.
I fell asleep again and woke feeling better rested than I have in nearly a week.
Bellatrix is not here…and we spent the day away from the house…So I’ve been away from the strife infused energy of the house and her presence for about 24 hours. Both Remus and I feel more relaxed today than in a while.
He received a note from her about going to counseling. He says that he thinks he will because he wants to try to explain his feelings in an environment he hopes will help her hear him better. I think it’s a good idea for them to go to counseling. I have suggested it a number of times in past months. I’ve asked him several times if he thinks they couldn’t work things out…I think it is softening him up a bit. I have a growing sense that he doesn’t want to get together with her again though. I suspect (but haven’t asked him if) he just wants understanding and acceptance of the situation between them, so they can be friends and have an amicable divorce.
I am feeling sad for them…and feeling this huge ball of emotions about their relationship and how Bellatrix and I feel toward each other is casting a dark pall over my relationship with him. It is hard to just relax and enjoy this love when it is so unwelcomed by his wife…
Nevertheless…I continue because what else is there to do?
Yesterday I got to spend some time with Ginny. She admired the love between Remus and I. It felt really good to me to have our love appreciated and welcomed by someone, especially someone I love and respect so much. I am just really trying to digest every speck of goodness out of that….because it is truly nourishing.
The 4th nutriment of Buddhism is positive consciousness…to hang out in it and know that it will become the substance of our reality in time…I am trying to do that.