There are several things bothering me right now.

I’ve been avidly focusing on all the positives in my life.

Probably frenetically.

With every decision, there will be some pros and some cons. Every one…

Even the very, very joyful ones.

I am mindful of a teaching that Elizabeth Gilbert shared from one of her teachers in her book Eat, Pray, Love. Katut said that sometimes you have to lose your balance in love.

It feels deeply true.

And also, the lesson is to find the balance in riding the tides of loving.

I feel uneasy in some ways living here. Things can change at the whim of Remus’s wife. It could become a very painful situation very easily. But then, maybe not. It is a lesson in remembering that life is transient and it is up to me to relax and be open without conditions to meeting life with a constancy and savor that makes it a delightful event I am utterly immersed in.

I question my motives. Am I here to win Remus away from his wife? Self-doubts are in there…so I strive even harder to have the right priorities and attitudes toward the situation.

I am rather isolated out here. I don’t yet have a car and all the friends I’ve made are in Burlington. I still have a limited budget, so it’s not as if I can go run in there all the time even when I’ve got access to a vehicle. There’s a limit to my gas funds.

I need to make friends out here…just as much as I need to stay in touch with my friends in B’ton.

And there’s also the knowledge that I’ve embarked on an unusual life style choice openly in a very provincial state. I have some fears I’m wrestling with about being accepted.

I am wrestling with some sadness about some old friendships which have changed. I fear more changes in other friendships and it’s made me silent when I’d have otherwise not been.

I have had to make changes in one friendship recently. It was hard. I feel that I made some mistakes and I feel that I may still be making mistakes in my bluntness…and yet sometimes telling the unembellished truth is the only way left to approach things.

*sighs…* I can only wait and see.

I have been writing this past two weeks. A lot.

Also…this house is full of love and laughter and light…but it is also full of sadness and fear. Some hard times have happened in this house over the years and my gift of empathy is a little troublesome to me regarding that…I am reminded how crucial my meditation practice is yet again…

As well, there are times when Remuss wife’s emotions are full of turmoil. She’s very loud about it psychically…even if she’s not acting or saying anything discomfiting. That pokes some old Vernon/Petunia buttons in me. Again another reason to focus on my meditation practice.

And then there’s Remus…

There is so much joy between us.

It is a great blossom in my life…like a lotus that infinitely unfurls.

The feelings are very mutual.

Remus remarked to me the other day that it is hard for him to imagine that either of us could love each other more.

I said…Love is infinite and that this is only the beginning.

He smiled about that and said it sounded good to him…even if he couldn’t imagine it.

I picked two soul cards today. I included them in the post…I’m thinking deeply about them.


24cardI have been experiencing clusters/flashes of memories of old visions and I have had dreams. The vision flashes are from a vision this summer and from one years ago. The summer’s vision is full of geometric light forms…which arrived after my prayer for enlightenment. The one from years ago has heron in it. I keep seeing the final vision of a heron before it becomes a door…which I came very close to before the vision ended.

There is a quiet joy and assurance in me about enlightenment…about Remus. I have no fears in my center…they are peripheral fears. They have to do with stuff I can and should let go of…but nothing at my core which fights the essence of me…about either of these things…there is only patience to wait for what’s next…a sense of discovery and peace.

And it all comes back to my meditation practice doesn’t it?

Everything does.


Here’s a poem by Basho that I like:

A bee
staggers out
of the peony.

2 thoughts on “Secret Thoughts

  1. As always, dearheart, it’s so good to visit here, and elsewhere, and it does mean a lot.

    I’ve been and felt so silent of late, but I always love to sit quietly and listen. And hold hands when needed. *smiles*

    It’s been a rather hard time here, but, in your words, there are no fears in my center, nothing that fights the essence of me. I do feel most lonely at times, but I have patience, perhaps more than I should have, I wonder.

    And yes, it does come back to meditation practice. As I’ve learned to meditate in any situation, it’s so easy to fool yourself and to think you can manage your way through! Ahh, such traps! Self-discipline, and giving up *every* resistance in that respect, is needed on a DAILY basis, period! *grins* *sighs* *laughs*

    Yanno what I mean, I guess, even when said poorly. *smiles* It’s crazy late here… talking about self-discipline. lol

    Do take care, and do take your time to practice. DAILY.

    (((big hugs)))

    p.s. I had to smile when I read about your two desks. Rather familiar!


    1. It seems like everyone needs to remind themselves to practice daily doesn’t it?

      I understand silence. It is not easy to feel silent. I have many friends who feel silent at times.

      Shambhavi says that loneliness is a calling of the soul. Sufi’s actually do practices to cultivate it because making relationship with that loneliness is the key to enlightenment.

      Sounded nuts to me when they said it to me 20 years ago and it sounded kinda nuts when Shambhavi first said it to me a couple years ago.

      Now it doesn’t seem so nuts. It seems exactly right. It is very painful. Hard to take sometimes. Hang in there…and don’t forget to love yourself!

      Love and many hugs to you.


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