About two weeks ago, he took me for a ride and bought me an inexpensive silver necklace to wear as a collar. It looks like a normal necklace. No one but us knows it is his collar.
But the deepening is more than this agreement about me wearing his collar and all that means about our feelings about our power exchange…
The past few days, we’ve been closer emotionally between us. It is not really quantifiable. But I can tell you a little of how it feels. Remus said today that he “feels fulfilled in every way…except for the need for a shower.” *smiles* I feel just as fulfilled. I frequently question to myself that our feelings are the right thing for us given his marriage, but the intellect does not prison the heart. We feel as we feel.
Our power exchange is an expression of mutual devotion. He watches over me, nurtures me and is wiser than me about things which I am not always wise about. He thinks deeply about things and he manages me without making me feel managed and controlled. He appreciates anything I do for him or with him. He loves to see me smiling, laughing, cuming, warm and safe feeling…any good thing and he actively seeks it in me and with me. When I ask him if he needs anything before he leaves or when I am on my way home, he just says one thing; “Just you.” His eyes and his action radiate his love for me…and he is a very good friend. If I am hurting about anything emotionally (and I have been completing some grieving about my family/divorce) he listens. He doesn’t try to fix me. He may correct some thinking I have about something, but he doesn’t try to make me feel differently. He just lavishes love on me.
In this climate of affection and friendship, it feels natural to me to give unconditionally. During the week, I devote myself to his pleasure without any concern for my own pleasure. I do tasks he needs help with. I do small things to please him and help him that I see he needs help with. I make myself available to him in any way he needs. I give him an outlet for his sadistic expressions, for his sexual needs…I give him exclusivity about sexuality… and my heart.
I have wanted to give this to men before. Very much. I have made some very close relationships. Very close. I have tread some beautiful territory…and for one reason or another, there’s been limits to how far things could go between myself and those other very special men.
I think that Remus and I have the potential for a total power exchange. I can say that with few concerns. And those concerns seem only small fears of loosing control of my life.
So far, our power exchange has taken nothing from either of us…only enriched our lives and made it very fun.
And it presents a challenge to me…One that I really need to confront. I often choose to attend to Remus instead of meditation practice. I don’t do this with my school work, but I do it with meditation frequently.
I have done this with other men at other times in my life…and related to that is a desire to have others good opinion of me…and to not miss out on anything.
This is a needful issue to address. I have no fear that it will conflict with my power exchange or that my power exchange will conflict with my practice. Remus expects me to self care. This is an important way I need to do so.
We both know that things could change between us because of circumstances we aren’t in control of. We move forward with that knowledge. In some ways, it makes our time sweeter because of this uncertainty.
Just needed to touch in with friends about this…