Remus has been evaluating things for his triad…

He is realizing that he needs to be more attentive to Bellatrix and that he needs to make more effort to make her feel special and to meet her needs.

At the same time, he’s asked me what I need.

I have thought about it…

I need to hear from him on days he’ll be paying undivided attention to Bellitrix. I need him to text me or call me like he did when I was living in B’ton and was home.

That is important to me.

I’m living here too…when I hear his voice, I want to hug him and to talk to him for a minute…so I asked him to say good morning to me and to say good night.

We also discussed that if I were getting little time with him consistently, I’d begin to find myself feeling needy for connection and physical contact…and that despite wishing for monogamy with him, I’d need to find another person to spend time with because I would begin to feel like our monogamy had become a prison instead of a blessing…

I have raised the topic a few times with him about a woman lover…

I have not pushed the subject with him. He is not very receptive to it…Not on his own behalf, but on behalf of Bellatrix. she would not like it and would not accept it.

I am concerned that this will feel limiting in time.

It doesn’t right now…but I must admit that my fantasies are filled with women. I do not fantasize much any more. Only when alone and only for the few minutes I feel a desire to masturbate. That’s been relatively rare. Sometimes its been weeks at a time…but when I do fantasize, there’s there things featured in the fantasies. A gang bang theme. Dunno why…but that one is an ongoing theme for my whole life. I fantasize about Remus a lot too. Mostly though, I think about being with women…and usually the fantasizes involve sharing her with Remus.

It is quite powerful imagery. Very detailed. This is a very unusual thing for me about female fantasies. Usually they aren’t more than cuddling and that’s it.

I speak of this because I am pondering how important it is that I explore this part of my sexuality.

I am also sitting with the idea of sharing without being shared.

It is an interesting thing for me. I have never been willing to have this situation. It has always irritated me. It does not irritate me with Remus. Frankly, he goes out of his way to attend to my needs in every way…and he enjoys doing so immensely. He makes his caring for me very manifest and very affirming.

There is another concern I have which I’ve voice quietly a few times. One of the things I’m concerned about is that I am not sure if this possessiveness is good for us in the long run…From the perspective of personal evolution I mean…

Just thinking out loud here.

 

2 thoughts on “Needs

  1. guess we all have needs that change during our life… when I read and think back to a year ago, 2 years ago and further back in the past I am sometimes amazed about all that changed with me, through me and inside off me…. I sometimes feel a different person… I am in a monogamous relationship now for almost 4 years… and loving it….

    I don’t ask or demand that monogamy from him… I know that even if he would ‘be’ with another that is only physical… the connection between him and me goes above and beyond… *smiles*… which does not mean I’ve become a little saint… cause if it would be more then just be with another I would hate it… funny isn’t it…

    love to you, h

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    1. In fact, I don’t mind at all that’s he’s intimate with his wife. I enjoy the peacefulness it brings to her afterward. I like the energy they share in the house together afterward. What is hard for me is this time period where she’s needing to feel reassured that all is well. Her fearfulness is making her feel a bit territorial about him coming to find me for an hour to cuddle and then continuing his time with her.

      These are the basic things that happen in a triad/poly situation.

      I have heard her say that time with me should be needs based…and I have heard her say that she doesn’t think it is fair to consume all his time when she forms her schedule on a whim….

      I know she is aware of this territorialness and that she knows its not entirely fair…and I also know that he is trying to reassure her and to be careful of her heart.

      He is being equally careful of mine…and he’s trying to take care of his own needs too…to not be at anyone’s beck and call at all sometimes too.

      I tease him frequently about being a stud-muffin and being henpecked by two women.

      I never henpeck him though. I am rather slow to express feelings or make any demands on him. Simply out of a preference for independence. I just like to be independent in my life on as many fronts as possible and to make the moments I need help be as painless as possible for those I care for. It just makes me feel good to be independent.

      In any case, I was thinking about your preference for monogamy.

      I think that if I could have the ideal situation, that I’d be Obiwan’s life partner and she’d be his part time partner. I prefer monogamy also…and I have been open to this relationship simply because I’m not at all ready to be a life partner to anyone. Not even to Obiwan. I have processing to do still about my former marriage…and school to attend to. I have an intense spiritual practice which also consumes alot of my focus. It just doesn’t seem the right time to be making big committments…Even if he weren’t married.

      Regardless about the details of my life henny…I am deeply glad that you are so happy with your fellow. It is good to see you so happy!!

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