He is realizing that he needs to be more attentive to Bellatrix and that he needs to make more effort to make her feel special and to meet her needs.
At the same time, he’s asked me what I need.
I have thought about it…
I need to hear from him on days he’ll be paying undivided attention to Bellitrix. I need him to text me or call me like he did when I was living in B’ton and was home.
That is important to me.
I’m living here too…when I hear his voice, I want to hug him and to talk to him for a minute…so I asked him to say good morning to me and to say good night.
We also discussed that if I were getting little time with him consistently, I’d begin to find myself feeling needy for connection and physical contact…and that despite wishing for monogamy with him, I’d need to find another person to spend time with because I would begin to feel like our monogamy had become a prison instead of a blessing…
I have raised the topic a few times with him about a woman lover…
I have not pushed the subject with him. He is not very receptive to it…Not on his own behalf, but on behalf of Bellatrix. she would not like it and would not accept it.
I am concerned that this will feel limiting in time.
It doesn’t right now…but I must admit that my fantasies are filled with women. I do not fantasize much any more. Only when alone and only for the few minutes I feel a desire to masturbate. That’s been relatively rare. Sometimes its been weeks at a time…but when I do fantasize, there’s there things featured in the fantasies. A gang bang theme. Dunno why…but that one is an ongoing theme for my whole life. I fantasize about Remus a lot too. Mostly though, I think about being with women…and usually the fantasizes involve sharing her with Remus.
It is quite powerful imagery. Very detailed. This is a very unusual thing for me about female fantasies. Usually they aren’t more than cuddling and that’s it.
I speak of this because I am pondering how important it is that I explore this part of my sexuality.
I am also sitting with the idea of sharing without being shared.
It is an interesting thing for me. I have never been willing to have this situation. It has always irritated me. It does not irritate me with Remus. Frankly, he goes out of his way to attend to my needs in every way…and he enjoys doing so immensely. He makes his caring for me very manifest and very affirming.
There is another concern I have which I’ve voice quietly a few times. One of the things I’m concerned about is that I am not sure if this possessiveness is good for us in the long run…From the perspective of personal evolution I mean…
Just thinking out loud here.