A few deep fears that have been bothering me…

“You (as in Self) don’t want to become enlightened because it might mean you’ll leave Remus.”

“He can’t/won’t ‘pick’ you.”

“You (as in Self) don’t love me right.”

“You can’t stay in balance emotionally because you are stuck in this ‘picking me’ thing instead of just being and focusing on enlightenment.”

“You’ve (as in Self) have forgotten me.”

“You’ve (as in Self) picked him (as in Remus) instead of me (as in Self).

“She (as in Remus’s wife) will make you leave. It’s only a matter of time. She will start to hate you sooner or later.”

These fears have only a tiny bit of basis in reality or absolutely none at all.

And yet, they are burdensome and out of all proportion to reality.

They have been making me feel ill physically…and stressed.

When I add in the difficulties of the men I’ve had to live with…men I am afraid of or feeling hurt and judged by…I feel tired. I’ve been feeling pretty tired for over a month now. I finally felt sick last week. I got an intestinal virus.

I have so little time to just be…to just rest…to meditate with myself…to have long thoughts. Almost none. It is catching up with me…silly fears have been building too.

I often do my best thinking and processing alone in the evening.

I had that time tonight.

I just sat and listened to the fears and to my body for a few hours. I kept the fears company and my body company. I let myself know that I am there…that I haven’t left and am still listening very deeply.

I can feel that my whole being is some kind or another respiration…

And light. It is light too….

It is very beautiful..

I am very beautiful.

The fears are not such a burden now.

3 thoughts on “Easing

  1. I think everyone has some fears that aren’t entirely based in reality. In my opinion… fears that do show up do have a reason for cropping up. It may not make entirely any sense but there is “something” going on which is stiring the fears up.

    You tend to know what is best for you by listening to your body. I’m sure that you will find a remedy.

    As to time to meditate… I think there is a balance and I have been struggling myself with making time to meditate and to do my spiritual studies. Not really studying myself this past week I needed to force myself to concentrate on it Friday morning for a bit and I felt not entirely better but a bit more calmer…

    Overall I believe both situations goes back to the paramita Discipline which out of all five it seems to be the most difficult.

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    1. Thank you for your thoughts…

      You are right. Discipline is indeed the most difficult of the paramitas. It requires one to focus one’s will and to control the thoughts and emotions enough to create a strong concentration and mindful activity.

      It has been the paramita I have focused on the most this year…

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      1. The other paramitas I get… but the discipline one not so much. I think what helps for me, and it may help for you, is that I tend to fall off the course of discipline when there is just a whole lot of “stuff” going on and I try to remind myself that when I was doing things on a regular basis… yoga… meditation… silent reading… quiet time… I feel better. And even if I am not feeling up to it I know if I find time to do it I am going to feel better despite maybe wanting to do something that is less beneficially fulfilling but could cause instant gratification.

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