“You (as in Self) don’t want to become enlightened because it might mean you’ll leave Remus.”
“He can’t/won’t ‘pick’ you.”
“You (as in Self) don’t love me right.”
“You can’t stay in balance emotionally because you are stuck in this ‘picking me’ thing instead of just being and focusing on enlightenment.”
“You’ve (as in Self) have forgotten me.”
“You’ve (as in Self) picked him (as in Remus) instead of me (as in Self).
“She (as in Remus’s wife) will make you leave. It’s only a matter of time. She will start to hate you sooner or later.”
These fears have only a tiny bit of basis in reality or absolutely none at all.
And yet, they are burdensome and out of all proportion to reality.
They have been making me feel ill physically…and stressed.
When I add in the difficulties of the men I’ve had to live with…men I am afraid of or feeling hurt and judged by…I feel tired. I’ve been feeling pretty tired for over a month now. I finally felt sick last week. I got an intestinal virus.
I have so little time to just be…to just rest…to meditate with myself…to have long thoughts. Almost none. It is catching up with me…silly fears have been building too.
I often do my best thinking and processing alone in the evening.
I had that time tonight.
I just sat and listened to the fears and to my body for a few hours. I kept the fears company and my body company. I let myself know that I am there…that I haven’t left and am still listening very deeply.
I can feel that my whole being is some kind or another respiration…
And light. It is light too….
It is very beautiful..
I am very beautiful.
The fears are not such a burden now.