Well I was.
But Remus’s wife came to me Saturday am and asked me if I’d like to move in. She covered all my concerns and outlined hers…and by the end of the conversation I felt all my misgivings about Remus’s invitation to move in here evaporate, except for one. That is how anyone will feel if Remus and I decide we aren’t going to continue to be a couple or how he’ll feel if we still want to, but that I need to add the option of another life partner into my life.
I am not at that place right now. I certainly do feel some nesting impulses with him, but I”m not anywhere near ready for nesting. The idea of watching Remus grow old appeals to me immensely. The idea of living with him, feels natural and restful to me. The idea of giving to him unconditionally and with deep devotion feels as natural as breathing. But a 24/7 power exchange in practice may feel like its a bit much as the next year progresses. We may find living together to be dull. We may find it stressful and that it takes the fun out of being a couple to live with his wife and the potential issues that might arise from that. I may simply need more time alone to process my spiritual journey and to be a student than I’ll get.
I just really don’t know.
What I do know is that I’ve made a decision. My eyes are wide open. I know there’s a different set of blessings, lessons and challenges with this path, than those I”d have experienced if I’d chosen to live alone.
This is a choice to love. It is a choice to have a home, instead of a room. It is a choice to make more funds available to some important financial goals by living more cheaply than I have been.
It is a choice to love.
I really want to live with Remus and he deeply desires to live with me.
I have asked myself if I want to live with Remus’s wife, whom I’ll call Bellatrix here because she’s got to have a name, and its a silly idea that just because she’s a meta mour, we’ve got to be enemies. The name really relates to my fears about things, than the truth of them, so hear it with that in mind. My answer to that all important question is, that I’m afraid to live with Bellatrix. Simply because I have ptsd about living with a woman and sharing a man with her. Some of you know its not the first round with another couple. Well living with Petunia and Vernon Dursley, with me as Vernon’s other partner was hell. I’m sure you all remember. I felt deeply hurt by Petunia’s attitude most of the time. It was abrasive on me in a way I cannot quite describe. And then there was the whole of issue of Percy, my former husband and the “evil stepmother” attitude of Percy’s daughter toward me. It was extremely abrasive on my heart and soul and psyche in just the same way. It was toxic and impossible for me to digest.Those experiences nearly back to back were intensely hard on me…
Still I learned many important things from living with them.
However, it is NOT anything I want to repeat.
I have been staying here for about 3 weeks though and during the month before that, I stayed very frequently for days at a time.
What I’ve learned from that is Bellatrix and I are comfortable with each other. She has no interest in me as a friend…but I think she trusts me…and I feel respected. I feel there’s a basic goodness and compassion between us. I think we can learn to trust each other even better and I think that we have been sharing Remus kindly and respectfully all along and we both fully intend to continue doing so.
I never felt this way about Petunia at all.
I do not feel the same way about Remus that I felt about Vernon.
I love him in similar ways, but I do not love him with the perspective of a little girl who needs to be loved to feel fulfilled. I love him. I choose myself and my happiness and I love myself deeply though, so I don’t need him. I simply love him and I want to share with him…and I feel no jealousy whatsoever about their love.
Sometimes I look at the two of them together and think that if some time I am actually ready for a life partner, I sincerely hope that I can find an Remus clone, cause he’s just about the most perfect man for me that I’ve ever met.
I think its saying something that I’ve found some incredibly perfect men in the past too…
Remus isn’t perfect…but he is perfectly right for me in oh so many ways. He doesn’t abraid me emotionally in any way except those ways which challenge me to stretch into loving and intimacy in better ways.
He is the first man whom never makes me feel I’ll out grow him, or who leads me to think he feels intimidated by me in some way.
He is just himself. He has worked in the same place for over 30 years, but he seeks intellectual challenges by taking new jobs within the company occasionally. That is who he is. He doesn’t let himself get bored or staid in a setting, but he is also incredibly loyal.
I am definitely part of the Remus fan club…
I have also asked myself if I am hoping to step into the space that’s between he and his wife because their marriage has spaces that they don’t fill for each other.
I think the urge is there sometimes…but it is a part of that nesting thing that I have come to associate with feeling disconnected and fearful because I need to meditate more and self care more.
I also think that there’s a small part of me which is hopeful that Remus and I will find ourselves a couple officially in time…and that Bellatrix will find herself happily a couple officially with her other partner Malfoy. She speaks of this openly sometimes…She has expressed much confusion and also confusion about the fact that she and Remus have little in common now that they are done raising children.
I do not know what will happen, but I intend to be a good friend to them both in whatever way I can. I want to see all four of us very happy. Whatever happens with all that, its beside the point.
There will be a lease and also an understanding that this is a process, and that there will be things to figure out as we go along…
I dreamed last night that the three of us together are approaching a gate and behind it there’s a wilderness and a house. I didn’t feel a terrible foreboding…just the sense that a journey is beginning and that we are taking it together by choice with our eyes open.
I have no idea how this will turn out. I may be moving again shortly…What I do know is that this is a chance for me to see that I have indeed grown and that I’m capable of meeting the challenges involved without feeling stressed or made small or feeling unloved.