An interesting weekend in terms of internal experiences…

*smiles*

I am watching myself deal with a really rich source of love and intimacy for the first time in several years. I now have a very regular source…a pretty devoted one.

Remus’s wife has finally got to the point that she fully embraces the whole idea of polyamory and so I have relaxed with Remus quite a lot. In fact, there seems to be a general agreement between Remus and his wife to spend as much time as they wish with their additional partners without any guilt at all…and to make time for each other when they miss each other and want to do something special together. I am happy and proud of them for being so clear with each other…and for trusting each other so deeply and their bond together.

This change in her awareness and their agreements has made me relax finally with our friendship. I don’t assume anything. Things can always change in some way that will demand of me emotionally in an unexpected way…But I feel relaxed with him in a whole new way simply because what happens now is between us. It may be influenced by another’s feelings and needs, but it will not be dictated by them. We will endure or not under our own steam…and what’s happening between us is really soft, sweet and nourishing for us both. We are having alot of fun together…

And now I’m amusing myself by feeling all squirrely and wanting to get emotional space. LOL!

I am not letting myself hide. If he wants my attention, I drop what I’m doing and give it. It always feels wonderful…and I think about my desire for a submissive…and my desire for a poly family with a woman…and my desire for being with a live in primary partner…

I am just being with my restlessness and watching myself. It sure does amuse me to watch myself. *smiles*

I had more collar time with Remus. He seems to really like me wearing it. I like it too. Very much.

It isn’t even that we always do anything specifically D/s or that when we do it is constant. It is just the quiet sense of our bond feels enhanced and expressed by the collar. I was allowed to sleep it in one night too. It felt very comforting and very comfortable to sleep in it. I really liked it.

In fact, there’s other things that he does which more firmly remind me of being submissive than the collar; such as affectionately grabbing a handful of my hair for a kiss…The collar feels very private and very quiet in comparison. It is just between us. We aren’t wearing it in public. We aren’t even talking about doing so. It is not something I even feel drawn to do at this juncture; wear it in public that is. I am just enjoying this time between us.

I was listening to this tune by Kasey Chambers and thought about how I used to feel like this…I think perhaps this restlessness I feel is the fears of having to jump hoops to love once upon a time…or deal with painful situations to be loved once upon a time. It is good to listen to this song and feel only a smile at not feeling that way any more. The restlessness will pass. I have no need to give it more space than I would a minor ache or pain in my body. I take good care of me about it and keep doing what I do each day…and I keep on loving. Simple as that.

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