Remus and I discussed collaring again this weekend. We’ve discussed it in the past. In the past, he’s said that he wants to collar me, but just wasn’t sure about things with his wife and the implications of it for me emotionally. More recently, I’ve felt my inner security wavering and wanted it during moments of wanting comfort from him. It made him nervous and we didn’t follow through with doing any collar and leash play. I had no hurt or resentment about that that lingered, though in a wave of emotion when I am feeling insecure, I could feel myself feeling rejected for a moment. I’d get over it…but it caused me to think that perhaps I didn’t want to do that kind of play right now…that it wasn’t good for me.
We talked about it some more though. He wanted to make cuffs and collar with rope with me. And we talked about it. We arrived at the conclusion that we both feel that collaring is equal to marriage really. We agreed too that our relationship naturally feels devoted and that we aren’t sure of the future and don’t want to make statements or promises we’ll have to back out of later due to circumstances or our feelings changing. We just wanted to relax and have things be as they are…devoted and relaxed.
We decided that the power exchange as it is feels relaxed and easy…and that it naturally feels like a situation that involves collars for play. Oddly enough we agreed that we wanted to try play with a collar to see how it felt, without putting the promises into anything or making any assumptions of each other because of it.
He made me a lovely set of wrist cuffs out of rope and he made me a rope collar in the same manner as the cuffs. Then he put the collar on me and we spent time together with it, playing gently and enjoying each other’s company. No big play sessions, just casual little ones and hanging out.
I remarked several times that I felt relaxed with him…that it felt natural to be in a collar with him and that I didn’t feel any fear about it nor any expectations of him. He remarked that he felt just the same way. We smiled together and later when time for bed, he took it off.
So…I think collaring play is sweet and enjoyable and perfectly natural for me. At least it is with Remus.
He also made a remark to me which startled me. He wondered aloud what life would be like if he and I met before he met his wife…He also made remarks that indicate he wishes we lived together and that he likes how I live my life and the things I do as a person and submissive about keeping the house.
The remarks touch me deeply. I feel very loved. I feel very concerned for his marriage at times. Both he and his wife seem to prefer other partner’s company to each other’s. I just spent 6 days with him and his wife spent most of those same six days with her other partner. In a couple days Remus will be here for a couple days and then I don’t know. It is very likely that we’ll spend yet more time together over the weekend because she’ll likely choose to be with her other partner and he’ll be happy to let her since it will mean he can be with me.
I am sometimes sure that I should step back a bit and limit our time to three days a week to force the issue with them…and to give him time to reflect on where his marriage is going. He has confided things in me that lead me to believe that their trust has been harmed which has resulted in unresolved feelings they’d both like to avoid and can do so by whiling away days on end with others…
It is not my job to save their marriage, but I feel concerned.
So I prod and ask questions and I go home.
And that brings me to the other quiet thoughts I’ve had. I need to be here with Mr. Norris. I am a single woman and this fuzzy cat with lots of personality is my current life companion. We need to be here together…and I need to establish a routine in my life which supports my personal growth. I do not have that while I am with Remus. Slowly I’ve let my inner discipline lapse with him and I’m feeling myself close down in awareness…simply from neglecting my daily routines for self nurturing and expanding consciousness.
Conscious of the need for routines, I leave him to his when he goes to work. It seems important to him. When its interrupted, he’s unsettled for the day in subtle ways. I am sure he’s not the least aware of it, but its true. He is very grounded and relaxed when he’s on his routine…so I try to support him by staying out of his way in the morning…
In any case…these are the topics of inner conversation regarding Remus the past week or so…
Life is sure soft these days. I keep marveling on that. It is so good to relax after a very stressful summer.