I felt a lot of stress about this past weekend. There was a lot of demands on my body with the moving of many objects. I was also a bit emotional about the trip. Lots of memories of my former husband. I got to see him. He was distant and didn’t want me to touch him.
I feel a tension in my body this morning waking up. I know it is fearfulness about so many things…I am really pushing things hard right now with moving. Far harder than my body wishes…far harder than my heart wishes.
This tension…I am wondering how one works really hard physically without getting all this tension in the body…?
I was thinking of something I heard Pema Chodron teaching recently…Perhaps I wrote about it on my blogs already, but I need to keep mulling this one over. It is important somehow…
She was talking about how she was stuck with living with this woman who didn’t like her. No matter what she did, or didn’t do, the woman just wouldn’t like her and her animosity wouldn’t change. Pema was so upset and hurt, so disappointed and stressed about it. She really wanted the woman to like her…to be comfortable and happy with her.
She couldn’t have what she wanted, so she reflected on how she felt. She realized she was really hurt and sad at not being liked. She felt a great compassion for herself. Her heart hurt for the woman and for herself. She felt very tender hearted about it all. And instead of shrinking from this tenderness, she just sat with it. She just let it all be. She didn’t change anything about the woman liking her. She still didn’t like Pema when the time came to part company..but Pema found peace and bravery as a result of living with the woman. She didn’t abandon either herself or the woman, didn’t become resentful.
I keep thinking about this. My former husband is not required to like me. He loves me certainly…but I can still feel the blame and resentment in him.
I can still feel it in my heart too.
I am trying to emulate Pema about all this…