tumblr_mj74s8xMER1qzsa3ho1_500I had a dream this morning that I think pegs the reason for my restlessness…

I am supposed to do a daily visualization of my teacher sitting before me in like meditation. The reason for this is to hold the ideal of a more evolved consciousness firmly before me, as if I am looking into a mirror at who I am becoming.

Today, I dreamed that I was placing Remus in that position emotionally and spiritually in some significant ways and this isn’t right for my development.

I have questioned the appropriateness of a D/s bond for me for a long while now off and on. So here I am again…I do not know how to reconcile my deep desire for a certain kind of relationship with a man in general, but with Remus in particular, with my deep desire to evolve.

Putting anything or anyone before this goal will result in loss in ways I cannot really put words to.

I have prayed about this. I am trying to understand if both the power exchange and my proper focus can co-exist in my life effectively…

I have talked to Remus and we are clear that we are not seeking a total power exchange. We might enjoy that during a scene, but it is not the kind of relationship we want together otherwise. We want devotion and mutual pleasure and to meet each other’s desires for certain kinds of play and that is all.

It feels like if I can find the right internal balance, that things will be fine with this relationship and my practice…

I need to have the right balance though…

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