I ask myself what I feel afraid of…
I feel a lot of fear about being here….I don’t know why. I feel physically safe. I don’t feel emotionally threatened. Just unwelcome.
The only reason I can think that I feel this way is ptsd about living with several people in the past few years who made me feel consistently unwelcome. It brings up intense feelings of loneliness.
Wow…it sure is intense. I don’t think I’m actually afraid of the lack of welcome…but rather I’m afraid of the loneliness I feel as a result of it.
That feeling causes two things to happen with me. One is that I want to drink if I see any alcohol. The other is that I want to fuck nsa…
And then there’s the other reason I feel afraid…Both of those things are intensely self-destructive and it hurts to feel that way…all around hurts.
The loneliness is so intense that I want to medicate it with sex or alcohol.
Wow…! I haven’t felt this way in a while…
I actually looked at ads for nsa sex today because I was already on CL looking for a place to live.
*sighs…* Wow…This is such a drag.
I know it will pass. I have absolutely no urge to actually follow through…just intense feelings, which I know don’t form my reality…but what an intense feeling…Very primal. Goes right in the core of me.
I am sure that this is a dying gasp of a karmic pattern. I need only do loving things for me to continue to kill it off.
Wow…It sure is powerful though. Very uncomfortable.
I am deeply grateful that I”ll get to spend time with Ginny tonight for blue grass…I really need some loving girl time.
A cuddle sure would be nice too.
It makes me wish that Remus was here. This is the first time I’ve felt particularly emotionally needy about wanting time with him…
I am glad that he’s not though. I don’t want to establish a pattern of actually getting sex when I feel like this. I want to have time with friends or just be held. It is more appropriate to discuss the emotions and the karmic pattern.
It is helping to write this. Some of the emotions have eased…and now I feel intensely hot. It is loosing a lot of energy to write all this.
Only another hour until it is time to meet Ginny…