I have been graced with moments with myself and Another that brought renewal and cleansing…moments which changed me. Each time this has happened there was an ignition of my passion, a relaxation in my sexuality and physical responses to touch, and far less fear of being hurt than before which enabled me to love more freely with the next person…Yesterday, I found a song by Adele and posted it here. The lines in it captured my attention:
“I let it fall, my heart and as it fell you rose to claim it..
“But I set fire to the rain, watched it pour as I touched your face…
“Well it burned while I cried, cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name…
“When I lay with you, I could stay there, close my eyes, feel you here forever. You and me together, nothing is better…
“I set fire to the rain, and I threw us into the flames, well it felt something died, cause I knew that was the last time, the last time…
“Let it burn…”
These are not all the lyrics to the song…just the ones which speak to me.
Once upon a time, the song would have talked to me only about the pain I felt at having the bearer of this grace I felt filling me move on with his life. I’d get caught up in the pain of that and the grace would be shadowed with loss instead of spreading out to fill me completely and wash away the rain…
I have changed.
For me, the other lines about loss are not ignored when I listen to the song. They speak to me of the ephemeral beauty of loving…how sometimes people hurt and disappoint each other…how sometimes we need to move on, but we carry each person we love and touch with us.
All that wisdom is in me when I listen to the song and I am grateful for that touch and for that love I’ve been graced with in the past. I’m happy and blessed that the grace I experienced is no longer diminished by pain. I simply let it go and cherish the effects of the loving touch.
No…what I focus my heart on with this song is how the lines lay out as I’ve written them. Go ahead….read them again.
For me the ‘it’ that died is the specter fear I’d be consumed by the pain of loss. It is not the love that dies. I feel it- the fear -die in the flames of love and grace. The grace has spread into all of me. I can feel the flames of love and rain without crumbling or withering or being lost…
So let love burn however is natural for it to; like a candle in the darkness…Like the sun in the sky…like the soft glow of embers…however it is naturally will be fine. If rain comes, I’ll light it afire again. *smiles*
That sounds like a person is expendable to me.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
It is only my heart is infinite…and it is not bound by this physical life. Love doesn’t end because we aren’t together. And it is not bound to only one person. It is not destroyed by behavior I don’t like.
It is like a truth which cannot be diminished, nor improved upon, defined or boxed up…only experienced. Grasping it desperately in my fists is the only thing that makes for misery about loving.
That is the big lesson in my life these past years.
This song speaks these lessons beautifully.
In fact, I’ve thought I changed before. I had, but I wasn’t able to put the lessons learned into practice effectively until now.
Recently, the bearers of grace have left more than once. I’m still here and still happy and still not crushed by the loss of love.
I’m not pouting. I’m not bemoaning my fate. I’m not even mucking around in the muddy “if only’s” of it all. I’m living my life and appreciating the grace.
It was a goal to learn all this. I held that goal fast. I don’t assume I am done. I think Love teaches all of our lives. I am grateful for it. For even the pain of it all. In the reflection of this grace, I am even grateful in a quiet, passive way that I lost each love. Not because I wouldn’t rather have that person in my life…but because it has formed this grace so beautifully in me. How could I not be grateful for that?!