Clarity arrives quietly it seems and with it often comes the understanding that I need to let go. This time is no exception. But I do that letting go part well…it’s the practicing a new approach I’ve understood is needful that is a bit hard. As life goes along, I’ll want to do things the old way and I’ll have to interrupt the impulses for actions, emotions and thinking that once led me down I path I don’t choose now. Change is not always easy…It’s an adventure though.
So what did I get clarity on?
Well…That having an emotionally dependent, Daddy Dominant kind of relationship is not for me. It is right and good to enjoy ritual and protocol play. It is right and good to enjoy submissive sex and bdsm play. Its good to give service when it makes me happy to do so.
But all that play has to be within the context of friendship…and not, for now at least, in the context of any attachments to more than a friendship. At least at this juncture in my life, I need a lot of practice and it would confuse me again to have a deeper attachment right now.
I’ve been wanting that D/s relationship because I wanted to heal wounds inside my heart. I thought that was how to do it instinctively…but in this case, that was wrong…the way its getting healed is to attend to my spirituality and to bring those needs and feelings to something big and holy and constantly present.
So I’ve been doing that…Not because I knew it was the right thing to do, but because that’s all I could do in the absence of the man I wanted. In the end, the men I’ve wanted in the past couple years have turned out to be fabulous teachers. They didn’t let me get away with my neediness and attachments. They loved me enough to not walk away. They have stayed family and interested in my personal growth, but they refused to be available to my pushing toward what I thought I needed from a human man…which is exactly what they didn’t want for themselves.
I am grateful for those friendships and I’m hopeful that in future my sexual relationships will be more comfortable for me and more constructive…more steadfast.
And yanno? In the aftermath of this understanding is almost a giddy sort of freedom…